Grounding

This blog is a good place to come to for grounding.  When the shit is getting too thick and i cant see in front of me, I make time to come here and the ground opens up in front of me.

What a day.  It was a struggle to get out of bed, but once i did everything fell into place.  I decided to keep rhe clorhing purchases that came in the mail, put 3 pairs if pants in the wash on hot to shrink a little, and took the blue, flowered rayon pair to the cleaners for alteration.  Pants are always too long or too short for me.  Im on the cusp of petite and regular.

From rhe cleaners i hit 309S to Quakertown for my psychiatrist appointment.  I was worried id be there way too early but i was working on a problem in the book im writing, and it filled uo the time.  There was a long line at McDonald ‘s, they got my order wrong , and then for some reason it took forever to eat my food.  And then, sittig in the car, i emailed my son on my cell, and by that time i had just enough time to get across rhe center of town to my appointment.

The rest of the day was wild.  I realized it was going to take some time, and some pain to sort out tbe book/therapy issues–the doctor was supportive but its the first tine ive really gotten to know him at all and im feeling a little lost.

I left a message for my therapisr but i probably wont talk to her until i see her on Thursday.

Im dealing with pain and i know its necessary, ive done some things wrong in my life.  In Catholic Church on Sunday i finally paid attention to the part at the beginning if mass where you confess you have sinned; thats the stsrting point.  Im there.  I dropped all my accusations and now im embracing tbe truth, that ive been a pretty motley nogood nasty person to a lot of people in my life, even to the people who ive loved the most,  and TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, blaming others WONT HELP.   One of the things i have to pray now is that those peopke will let me back in to their lives.  The ones who sent me down this road are all over me to stay.  Its a TOUGH CALL to fight this fight because people close to me continue to influence me for ill, to continue the benefit theyve had from my failures all these years.  They flatter me and push ne diwn rge same wrobg road.  The path is treacherous and it feels like the slightest misstep will bring unGodly disaster.

Every day is a new day.  New days have been GOOD days for  an unspeakably blessed period of time now as i noted in my second to last post “ive been away.”  Its been good enough for long enough that im beginning to have faith again.  Confidence.  Its been such a long time.

Pain.  So, i have a little pain to go through.  Praying the Memorare to St. Mary.

Stuck in line at the opthalmologist

Its been an hour and 50 minutes.

Im here for a diabetes eye check.  Im realizing how badly my life is mortgaged to my health conditions.  The diabetes is mild and i dont pay much attention to it.  I just take the Metformin and try not to overdo the sweets and replace starch with protein.  Its heartbreaking.  In later life, when im finally over thr bulemia and nTurally losing weight and  and can eat those foods i deprived and starved myself of all those years  now THIS, no sweet drinks, donuts and i live for starch both sweet and high fat + salt and im not reslly supposed to have it, at least not much.

And then theres the COPD.  Well there’s some good news there e of course, im hardly smoking at all and ITS NEVER TOO LATE.  I always said if i could be smoke free fir just one day  before i died i would praise God for it and i was right,  its like entering a brand new world .  Every new day is a miracle.

So i cant complain.  Things are falli g into place .

The hypothyroid and the high blood pressure make me mad because i got them from taking lithium for the fourth time AGAINST MY WILL when i already knew it didnt work for me and it was an exercise of my fathers Narcissism to get the doctor to force me to take it.

Well im back home now.  The doctor FINALLY csme in.   She did take rhe time to exlain tbe diabetes eye check.  The diabetes can cause bleeding in the eyes.  I dont have any of that–yet.  But i DO have warning signs of early glaucoma

I have to get tested  begore i return in a year for the yearly diabetes check.  So after being a cash cow for tbe psych industry all my life now pathetically i need services ftom physicsl medicine providers till the end of my days. However long or short they may be.

Hallelujah!

Im glad for every breath that i take and every day that i am alive.

Amen.

 

Ive been away

Life has been too exciting! And too precious.

I saw my son last Sunday (its the following Saturday today.)  My parents didnt succeed in dissuading me from giving him a ride back to his residence down near Philadelphia, an hour and fifteen miunte highway drive.  It was a pleasure.  I realized how much i  had given away  by aquiescing to what was “easiest” (my mother was always standing by to take my place.)  Sometimes i really was sick , but it became a habit to let things slide by.

I came back to the concepts of “sleeping dogs” and “fantastically multiplied irony”–that i used to talk about way back when, and it was a question of watching the barking dogs wake up and pushing back the envelope on how long it into the indefinite future it would be until that impossible, fantasy time wben those intentions would ever be met and i suddeny realized, its here.  Its now.  Im there.

Its unbelievable.

I feel like a fictional character but im not.  Im real.  I used to talk about feeling like a bit part in someone elses novel but i took it back and now its my own, or, if its someone else’s, i play a prominent role.

God is GOOD.

I used to have the fear when i was driving on the highway that the road might dead end around the curve.  For real.  Suddenly my life is moving forward seamlessly and visibly ac ording to Gods will after decades of destruction.

Gotta go.  The page is turning .  My parents are returning from Paneras with a beef panini for me momentarily and i cant be caught blogging.

A few minutes and half a panini later:  going to post this.  Moments  come and go; God is near.

Precious.

Amen.

Hallelujah

 

Reunion

Its over.  I didn’t go.  Im as sorry as anything.  Even God is mad at me.  He say i could have asked him to change His mind.  He told me the better choice was not to go.  We even had a rehearsal about this over an entirely different, much smaller question. Whether to take a shower or not when i kinda didnt want to even though i was really dirty.  He said dont.  But i couldnt bear how gross i felt so i did anyway and i worried about it but the Lord said it was okay.  Sister Marie didn’t get this, she said “im glad you showered!”  But there was a reason for it.  To show me that it isnt always obvious the WHY of what the Lord wants us to do.  I went through long periods of my life when i wasnt showering much, inluding much of my childhood, and sometimes not showering in the present puts me in touch with those past times.  I had three ctitical counseling sessions in a row that week.  My mother is British.  She ALWAYS only ever showered about every 4 days.  My father had to shower every day, he had a professional job.  So it isn’t strictly the “no-brainer”it seems whether i should shower or not.

As for going to the reunion, i thought it was a no-brainer once he showed me the part where he was giving me a choice and he showed me the better way was not to go.  I was forgetting that He allowed me to change it, about the shower.  He says to me today that he was EXPECTING me to ask Him to change it.

Now  EVERYBODY is mad at me (except maybe my ex husband) and im clinging to this long boring post rather than let go and realize its long gone, im not going, its over.  And the Lord says its OKAY, you didnt WANT me to change my mind, thats all you had to SAY.

Stupid all thumbs falling all over myself myself for  causing everybody so muvh trouble, begging rhe Lord to see me through all the the deep serious kaka that this situation churned up, praying for a little healing here and whispering thank you, God.

 

This One–Updated

Its late at night and i dont want to go to bed, although ive taken my nighttime meds, a handful of meds that usually knocks me out within about 20 minutes.  Then, im out till about 4 in the morning.  I want to see if i can blog myself out of this  one in the 15 minutes or so before my mind slows down and i get groggy.

“This One” is the current status if my fathers late in life enjoyment of an extremely irresponsible form of play that has gotten us all into troubke.  He enjoys make believe repartee that is a cross between what he gleans from 40s movies and PBS British sutcoms, conversational gambuts he has observed, and things he has put together in his own God forsaking mind, specifically, that is to say, things that at are obscene.  He does it to manage the flow of things,  And everybody lets it go  by but on Wednesday a week and five days ago, when i was all excited about going to my reunion–which didnt happen–there was a visit from a young woman whose mother had just died (and her husband).  My parents had been to the funeral the previous Sunday.  This was all when there was still decency in this household.  Now its come and gone.

I was busy writing an email when rhe four if them came into the atrium outside the cottage door.  I had just returned from seeing the nun who i cousel with for Baptism classes.  My mother had said ti be sure to cone and talk to Helga..  I stalled while i wrote the email and then just came out for a few minutes because i didnt really have anything to say.  Wben i was young i frequently didnt join my parents’ friend’s vists, in fact i pretty much never did, i was usually found sitting in my room reading.

The two couples left and went back to the main house.  Then i thought i really should go over and join them, and i did, but my mother didnt welcone me   there was niwhere to sit in rhe littke sitting area of the kitchen, my mother did not get uo to make room for me.  Hekga and het husband were clearly a little alarmed.  But i did as my mother expressly wished and went back to the cottage.  It was extrenemy embarrassing.  I was all hot about rhe reunion and quite ready ti be social but my mother didnt extend the invitation.. in the past i have had a lot if sociasl difficulties, as i have suggested, but i am outgriwing them finally.

So i went back to the cottage and prayed but did not pray the Rosary as the Lord asked because he asked it through my mother’s voice and i dudbt understand.  I jumpoed up and decided to go ack there, on the grounds that of course i was being rude, i was forgetting about the funeral, Helgas mother had just died, and i should have been expressing condolences

Well that sounds right and maybe if i had just gone over for a moment it would have been (?) But i stayed as my mother and father chatted and showed them around this curious house and, cutting to the chase there was a scene as it cane time for them to go.  I had also forgotten that my mother called Helga when she was rebelling against me and asserting her rights.  My mother has a problem with believing rhat people (abd cats) )are out to dominate her.  Instead if seeibg a need and her responsibility, she sees a person wilfully imposing onher.  I was a daughter who was sick a lot, i had a problem all my life that nobody understood (the being kneed in the crotvh by my brother.)  It was a bizatte problem.  Its coming up in Spades right biw, i just wett 8 days without attending to my GI and had the most painful time dealing with it.

So my mother was feeling embarrassed and she teared up a little as Helga was saying goodbye abd Helga was all over it, she had just list her mother, she had been picking up on all kiundss of tension, and shebfleebto see an elferly mother seeming not ti be appreciated.  My morher let a few more tears flow.  This was her moment.  Thus was the referendum on her whole life that she had  always been waiting for.So my father steps in.  There had been talk IF classical music, Helgas deceased morher had taught piano days before her death, or months–sonething like that.  My father steps in with a pun of sorts.   ” yes its not gros dein kunts but dein gross kunts” i dont know what exactly he was saying, im not part of the crowd but i was aware of “gross cunt” floating on the breeze for a long moment.  And when i was prompted to stay up late that night–and did–i realized that my father was calling me a name.  And i looked back and remembered all the posturing after that as Helgas husband tried to handle the situation, his chief intention being to get his wife  safely out of the door.

They are coming back in June, Helga said.  My mother has taken to her bed.  Now my father too.  They claim a mystetious ullness which has no visible symptoms but makes them very tired.

Tonight my father delivered an insult when i bothered to mention the fallen at dinner (its Memorial Day.)  Something about the FAT robin at the feeder out the window.  He said it twice.  I am FAT.  I have lost 40 pounds   i have posted here about it.  But yes i am still FAT.  He is barely even there he is so thin, a little wisp of a man.  I committed the  error if putting my mother in the wrong, i said that at the personal care boarding home sometimes the veterans wore uniform.  When my mother had said the vets dont usuaslly do that.

Leaving this one in Limbo.  Dont know what to do.  Its getting nasty.  Im told not to stay in the presence of evil, and that converting them (to a Christian faith) isnt my job.  I dobt want to leave this lively spot and my son begged me not to keave his catss and where would i go?  Im living here rent free.  I only have my disability pay and ts not enough to live on.

Praying to St. Joseph fir bounty.

This was updated Tuesday morning outside the medical lab, now im at rhe Giant supermarket nect door.  Im at cross purposes, i wanted to pray more but then i remembered that all was well this morning, everything was as well as could be, but i fell inti a fear of my mither between the medical lab and here so Im saying a Hail Holy Queen over the intentions in tjis post.

Allelujah!

Amen.

 

 

 

Here it is

Heres the score card on the reunion.  My ‘rents have taken me off my college bf’s hands.   After all these years!  I fled from my father into this young fellows enbrace, he took advantage a little (whipped cream, cocaine, and trips to the erotic bakery in Greenwich village.(  But oh my wasnt he a romantic, dozens of red roses and foot and a half high Valentines cards.  Dinner at the sweetest spots all iver Manhattan.  What a sweet romance.  And oh how cold the world was when it was gone.  Im crying a little for it even now in my heart; but i knew not to hold that fellow back; he had a bright future ahead of him and i was a mess.  Im sorry that i did hold him back to an extent.  Finally he us free.  I woke up in the middle of tbe night, Sarurday to Sunday, to his tears. Tears of a lifetime.   “All my life!” he cried, and it was about ne.  I cant tell the whole story, its too personal.  I couldnt bear the pain.  I couldnt get up right away because if the medication i take at bedtime.  It knocks me out.  I lay there fighting the medication and finally at 4 a.m. i got up snd made coffee.  At 7 in the morning, Sunday morning, knowing i had Church to go to, i logged into the university alumni website where i had contacted hin once befire fairly recently, i was afraud i would have to wait for hin to give permussion to be contacted, but no, u was able to send him a message directly.

I told him i still loved him, and said a few other things that were extremely important.  Hes married of course, with a very successful career and 2 daughters to protect.

So in the aftermath, my parents are involving themselves in this situation as i go to send him another letter and realize i should not–and wont–and in my mind my parents intercede and my son says to me, in ny mind, they’re supposed to, and, even as i write this post i am suffering from a gltch in my thinking, the kind of thing that makes me crazy, a touch of  a fold in my sleeve i think it was that send my thoghts skittering, i HATE  this and now im remembering the pain of tbe loss of that relationship.  At the tine it felt like i couldn’t go on and i got  CONFUSED because of bad therapy. And mixed up and thought the pain was forever and not survivable.  Oh God and here i am at the age of 56 fuguring this out.  There wete OTHER REASONS that i  wasnt   surviving that had nothing to do with the relationship.  I had to go back to facing the sexual abuse all alone after having rhe boyfriend for a comfort, i told rhe parents to piss off.  I was young and stupid.  Then i had to go back to them.  Meanwhile i was horribly sick and strained from how id been living my life, booze, coffee, cigarettes, sex, bulimia; and i had noone to turn to;  i had burned my bridges.  It was a dangerous situation and i was not equipped with any moral or spiritual understanding to guide me throught it.

 

I see now all the beginnings and endings of relationships playing out through ny life (before my marriage) separately from all rhe things in which they were intertwined

Well i have to sign off this post because my thoughts are jamming.   My guiding lights tell me to go ahead and post it:  its an opening door.

 

 

Fighting a deathly battle

It sickens me to report that my father is getting to me.

McDonald’s breakfast, they “forgot” the hash browns.  They were trying to stage it, but i cut it short by going over to their side of the house before my mother got in from the barn where they park their Subaru SUV.   I figured they would eat there and make me wait, i wasnt thinking about the hash browns, and i showed my dismay.  “Shes stung” i heard my father saying in his mind, well no Dad thats not how i would put it, for your info, and then i had to do the usual dance of avoiding his introject, which is insanely and obnoxiously powerful over me at this age, im a 56 year old woman for Christs sake.  The breakfast sandwich  went down like sawdust, so no dad it was hard to appreciate what i did get.

All of this was over this “game” he invented, at least i assume it was him.  I woke up in the middle of the night after horrible bout with  constipation that was healing and exhausting, and i was geateful for God’s intervention, thats all i will say. And in the middle of the night my father was present to me with this game which, cutting to the chase there was no way to win and it makes a fool of anybody who tries, and the point is that it shows the unbelievable and incalulable intelligence if the person  who invented it and is explasining to you this game in other words, my father, except i aced it, and i don’t even remember because i couldn’t care less  games are supposed ti be fun dad.  Whatever your problem is, take it to the appropriate authorities.

End of story.

So today is waste of a day after what had promised to be a beautiful story of reunioning and an unbelievable moment if coming to true faith omg i GET IT!  Thats what this is about.  Satan tempted me and now my Dad is too, i have been letting the moment slip by me.  The night before last i had a classic  moment of finding Jesus when i was at the end if my rope.  After all these years that ive been trying to believe.

More on rhis .  Dear reader, Ill keep you posted.

Im coming back here to edit and i see that Jesus had me through all this.

The battle was alread won

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!

Amen!