Deep Rest

I have been sleeping  ALL THE TIME since church last Sunday (today is Thursday.).  Yesterday i made it to RCIA and then i went out to the supermarket in the evening just for the sake of getting out and staying up.  So this morning i was so tired out from that that i turned over and went back to sleep and didnt wake up until 1130–i was supposed to be at my psychotherapy appointment.   So i made a 525 dollar phone call–referring a creditor to my bankruptcy proceeding–and had nothing i could do but go back ti bed.

My mother isnt hassling me–thats a miracle!– but my cats, or rather, my sons cats–are getting alarmed.  Now its time for their dinner.  Last thing i remember i was getting them breakfast.

I also talked to my therapist in the morning and she wasnt mad.  I called her right away when i woke up and the phone was busy for 10 munites.  I thought, “oh, no!”   Then a  few minutes later she called me while i was calling her–i was so relieved.  Everything is working to the Good, just like the Lord says.  I dont feel guilty at all.  Each day that i have laid in some new huge thing has proved through,  i havent missed a single step.  Today is a ltttle scary, its 6 o’clock now.  But i trust that the Lord is leading me.

County Access

Im at the County Services office in the nearby city getting ready to apply for a caseworker.  Ive already gotten a dirty look.  Im dressed to well to be receiving welfare.  In the last week the full-on sunshine towards me in this vicinity has been abating.  Im  not getting NASTY looks but people arent falling all over me to be nice any more either.  And i didn’t shower.  I can only hope that tbe diagnosis handwritten by rhe doctor on a prescription form, helps me.  He said it would.

Im groggy from the extra 25 mg of Clozaril im taking in the morning.  Its a tiny amount but it hits me hard.  The doctor says the drowsiness will wear off, give it a few more weeks.

A double post moment

This evening calls for two posts.  Oh what a great comeback from desperate directions.  Over the last week i came to experience  the meaning of the expression, “up a shit creek without a paddle.”  I wondered, whats a person’s rescue from that situation?  Well, here is one; evidently a person has the necessary parts built into the situation.  Boy i had a couple of scary nights.

There was an epidemic of flies that were coming in from outdoors when i left the doors open so the cats could go out.  I woke up early to feed them a couple of mornings ago and there was a terrifying, loud buzzing throughout the downstairs of this “cottage” part of the house that i stay in.  Ive been slowly eliminating them and worrying about the cats taking in the poison.  They seem to be okay now.  They were a little sick the first day and then i got a better, cat-friendly spray.

Now i am trying to be better to them because i realized how badly my OCD has been stressing them as i go hrough all these moments that i present here;  they were actually “shouting” at me when i was laying in the other morning.  I wasnt sure what they wanted but their loud, deliberate meows sounded like shouts trying to get attention.  I figured afterwards it was probably the flies that were getting to them so that has been addressed; there has certainly been a lot of stress and tension.  They trounce on me also, if i lay in in the morning, stamping hard on me to rregister their frustration.  I have been spending a lot of time on the computer working on my book and they dont understand.  And i pray rhe rosary and they dont understand.

I just have to pray to Saint Francis to know how to take care of them.  I love them but i dont know how to address their need, they were left alone in here for a year before i came here and after 3 months the initial eccitement has worn off and they have to adjust to my personality which is so different from my mothers or my sons.  And i do want to avoid going overboard over them rhe way i have done about pets in the past.

Well as i write i sense that they (Travis and Tanner) appreciate rhe attention and that my parents are grounded by it too.  A little bit of the basics.  We’re all mentally interconnected here Well my father said i always get tired of a situation after 3 months and actually, if she hadnt triggered a blow up that led me to tell her i was looking for another place to live we would have slipped into month 4 without a hitch.  My housing search is fir 1 to 2 YEARS from now.  Tberes a fight going on about something else that i must have blogged about 6 or 8 weeks ago, maybe longer, which is too sickening to talk about, so i talked about the cats instead.

GOD’S IN CHARGE.

Omg im glad to be back

Omg im glad to be back.  I went private 6 days ago because i referred my ex to my last post and then got scared he would direct my parents to it as hes caught up in this psychodrama through the banruptcy proceedings.  But now it doesn’t matter:  the shit hit the fan anyway.

Si now im back, and i didn’t even lose my views and likes like i used to when i built a blog and then had to go private.  I was so careful this time.  But it has worked to the good.

Everybody’s cards are on the table, and GOD’S IN CHARGE.  I had to admit today, after a really crazy day yesterday, that im looking into other places to live.

I had completely forgotten about this last post, “Safety,” but now all these ussues have come to the surface:  the sexual abuse, the “ashes precious Jesus” quality” of my mother’s mothering (that’s from a song but i dont remember the singer); my father’s ineptitude and helplessness as a husband and as a father and lots of other dandy stuff weve been dancing around in this family all our lives.

In the past there never seemed to be anything that could be done about a crisis so it got hushed up but now i have a decent therapist.  And a Catholic Sister who counsels me and the Monsignor takes an interest and as of yesterday i will be getting a caseworker from the County.  Theyre outnumbered.  There are all these avenues for help.  Its like the deaf girl in the movie Breaking Silence who was finally taken from her parents.  Tbey didnt want to let go.  But they were abusing her.

I am SO GRATEFUL for this blog.  Its a place to be human.  The last week collapses into a perspective and a timeline.

God’s in charge.

Allelujah.

Safety

51 years later, its finally hitting.  Im going to have to rework my book.   I noted yesterday on the last page of the printout if the manuscript, “i just realized that Tracey T (not her real name) was the breaking point of the ectopic pregnancy.”   A short while later i found my way to tbe ER in Reading to get help me with the stress my parents were subjecting me to.  Today i tealized that it WAS them; but also my ex husband.  He must be gettig hit by the bankruptcy folk.  He owes me 40K.  I havent tangibly heard from him but i sense a revolt in my thoughts.  I thought be would understand because of the crazy rrstraining orders against me that permitted me to live at home and rhe other messrs created by having to submit to my parents authority when my father had sexually abused me and my mother was over the top ALL MY ADULT LIFE  because she got hurt by me becausr i lost physical control after the overdose and i harmed her.  I couldnt have been sorrier but nobody cared.  They could at least have had the decency to leave me alone after that but their vanity caused them to force me into a continuing relationship.

So my ex walks into the situatiin and what do they do?  They lie.  Of course!  And thats all they have  done ever since.  And now, finally, the shit is hiting tbe fan.  Even as i sense my husbands uncomprehending anger–i just sent him a Father’s Day card, and now im going after him for money?–i sense that he is aware as these moments are going down here, God has me, and they cant pull rhe wool over ny eyes any more.  Theyve used me and CREATED my illness to cover over a lot of things but at the heart of it is a TWOFOLD PROBLEM,  thats what i could never get.  My mother has BOTH a mental illness, starting when she was 24, as she told me when i was going through a crisis at 21; AND the ectopic pregnancy at 27.  Thats what i could never get.  Shes been such a monster all these years and now im  calling her on it.  Its both of them working together.  She has had my father through fear.   But i have no sympathy for him whatsoever, hes plighted his troth and stands by it.  Good riddance.

They used me when i was a young woman by manipulateing me into a situation in which u “reflected” this bizarre compkex, the mental illness + the lingering psychological harm from the ectopic pregnancy.  I was terrified of her at that time.  All i could say to people was that i thought she was “neurologically deficient” like her younger brother, who died in a state mental hospital in England when he was 50.

I escaped whith my EX.  Now im rethinking the marriage, which resulted in only one (wonderful) child, and ended in divorce, in light of this new perspective, i can see how they involved me BEFORE and UNTIL i met my ex but i will have to wait to understand how it played out in all the horrific problems we lived out in the marriage.   The main thing right now is to stay safe here.  The LORD led me here to post, praying.

Grounding

This blog is a good place to come to for grounding.  When the shit is getting too thick and i cant see in front of me, I make time to come here and the ground opens up in front of me.

What a day.  It was a struggle to get out of bed, but once i did everything fell into place.  I decided to keep rhe clorhing purchases that came in the mail, put 3 pairs if pants in the wash on hot to shrink a little, and took the blue, flowered rayon pair to the cleaners for alteration.  Pants are always too long or too short for me.  Im on the cusp of petite and regular.

From rhe cleaners i hit 309S to Quakertown for my psychiatrist appointment.  I was worried id be there way too early but i was working on a problem in the book im writing, and it filled uo the time.  There was a long line at McDonald ‘s, they got my order wrong , and then for some reason it took forever to eat my food.  And then, sittig in the car, i emailed my son on my cell, and by that time i had just enough time to get across rhe center of town to my appointment.

The rest of the day was wild.  I realized it was going to take some time, and some pain to sort out tbe book/therapy issues–the doctor was supportive but its the first tine ive really gotten to know him at all and im feeling a little lost.

I left a message for my therapisr but i probably wont talk to her until i see her on Thursday.

Im dealing with pain and i know its necessary, ive done some things wrong in my life.  In Catholic Church on Sunday i finally paid attention to the part at the beginning if mass where you confess you have sinned; thats the stsrting point.  Im there.  I dropped all my accusations and now im embracing tbe truth, that ive been a pretty motley nogood nasty person to a lot of people in my life, even to the people who ive loved the most,  and TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, blaming others WONT HELP.   One of the things i have to pray now is that those peopke will let me back in to their lives.  The ones who sent me down this road are all over me to stay.  Its a TOUGH CALL to fight this fight because people close to me continue to influence me for ill, to continue the benefit theyve had from my failures all these years.  They flatter me and push ne diwn rge same wrobg road.  The path is treacherous and it feels like the slightest misstep will bring unGodly disaster.

Every day is a new day.  New days have been GOOD days for  an unspeakably blessed period of time now as i noted in my second to last post “ive been away.”  Its been good enough for long enough that im beginning to have faith again.  Confidence.  Its been such a long time.

Pain.  So, i have a little pain to go through.  Praying the Memorare to St. Mary.

Stuck in line at the opthalmologist

Its been an hour and 50 minutes.

Im here for a diabetes eye check.  Im realizing how badly my life is mortgaged to my health conditions.  The diabetes is mild and i dont pay much attention to it.  I just take the Metformin and try not to overdo the sweets and replace starch with protein.  Its heartbreaking.  In later life, when im finally over thr bulemia and nTurally losing weight and  and can eat those foods i deprived and starved myself of all those years  now THIS, no sweet drinks, donuts and i live for starch both sweet and high fat + salt and im not reslly supposed to have it, at least not much.

And then theres the COPD.  Well there’s some good news there e of course, im hardly smoking at all and ITS NEVER TOO LATE.  I always said if i could be smoke free fir just one day  before i died i would praise God for it and i was right,  its like entering a brand new world .  Every new day is a miracle.

So i cant complain.  Things are falli g into place .

The hypothyroid and the high blood pressure make me mad because i got them from taking lithium for the fourth time AGAINST MY WILL when i already knew it didnt work for me and it was an exercise of my fathers Narcissism to get the doctor to force me to take it.

Well im back home now.  The doctor FINALLY csme in.   She did take rhe time to exlain tbe diabetes eye check.  The diabetes can cause bleeding in the eyes.  I dont have any of that–yet.  But i DO have warning signs of early glaucoma

I have to get tested  begore i return in a year for the yearly diabetes check.  So after being a cash cow for tbe psych industry all my life now pathetically i need services ftom physicsl medicine providers till the end of my days. However long or short they may be.

Hallelujah!

Im glad for every breath that i take and every day that i am alive.

Amen.