Well so far im fouling out on the separate smoke breaks. I keep uncontrollably craving one at the regular smoke brrak times. At 4 i almost got caught on the way in by big J, although i had higher ground while i was smoking i had to cross near the smoking area to get rid of the butt and he was there. Then at 6 i tried to wait but i fell prey to a fake urging by my son ( i rely a lot on mental promptings by him, this is on the discussion table right now because im not sure how it may actually be taxing him.) I realized ny mother had interfered and i should have challenged the ‘guiding’ voice. So i put out the butt and came in early only to run into miss J, whom i turned in to the police last night as having harassed me from the beginning. I didnt have to talk to her or anything, i just heard her making angry noises to anothet staff person as i crossed to rhe stairs. She is black. There is a black–white issue going in here. The staffer who helped me with not going to the hospital and getting private smoke breaks, another miss J, is also black, and we dont really see eye to eye. Im still trying to get ny bearings from the 12 smoke breaj with her which went all wrong in the aftermath, we went out when the porch was crowded, i was half asleep abd nit prerpared for it, and i think she was enbarassed. She is young. She awkwardly pulled away from me in a bad monent and everything has been screwing up in me since then. I can only keep riding the horse i’m on, theres no other in sight. I figure this last smoke break mightt have to do with being prepared for my mother’s visit tomorrow. I called her yesterday, before all the hoopla with calling 911, saying that i was having trouble and that i would appreciate a visit. In the mean time in the course of this strange day sone major processing of the past has released a huge chunk of the injustice in my life where i was falsely accused if violence and ill will when i flipped out on her after the incident in the ICU when i was violated by the catheter and almost died from the pain et cetera, this us an old, old story. She was badly hurt, meanwhile i was maimed for life and didn’t mean sny harm to anyone, i was caught in a spell, when they pulked me out of the ambulence i was yelling and screaming, convulsing and kicking and punching the air passing in and of consciousness on the gurney, and noone bothered to note that to the doctor. The “she assaulted her mother” story that my father presented (he had just stood there watching) sounded too good, and ive been trapped by it ever since.
So now that’s finally coming undone and my mother doesn’t want to let go of it. And she has to see me tomorrow.
Lots of attitudes, lots if personalities.
Let’s see how this plays out.
I just took another smoke break, prompted genuinely by my sons voice in my heart. It went safely, and i realized that the problem with Miss J who tried to help me is that she is not a Christian–that is the wrong horse that i was on. So now i can interpret my day differently.