Im beating myself up over a banal and stupid error, fumbling with my cigzrette butt at the smoke extinguishing receptacle and dropping it on the ground, and i came here, only to be reassured thzt i haven’t finally, really lost the thread–what i always live in fear of. No– by my last post, “Error Message,” i see that the Lord has lead me to the right place and that i am on track.  How foolishly, simply wonderful.  I dont think i will ever fear it again, losing my place, that this game i play is really just that, a silly game.  The Lord has shown me before that he is faithful in the smallest details and this i trust.  Because all my smoking porch foes were standing by not far away wating for the driver to come to the van to take them to Wawa.  I dont need to go.  I bought a carton.  My saving Jesus showed me His face holding me through the spasms as i fumbled and walked away to the near door and inside, then back to my room.   I had a terrible moment if despair.  How foolish to get all panicked about a little thing line that!  Im just vain snd stupid and wasting Gods time and everybody else’s too.

But now i remember.   Ive been changing through so many places and situations today, before going out for tbe smoke i was ‘on’ the whole big deal of my older brother (who tried to rape me when i was 12) building a house on Long Island by himself, what a crazy stupid thing to do, i realized he held up all our lives over this and has been hiding behind it ever since.  It sold for 800K snd aftrr his divorce shortly afterward he took the money and beat a hasty retreat to familiar (to him) Hawaii.

All this took me wsy off track, there were ssome connections to be made regarding my own marriage snd sad divorce, but i need to pick up with last night and the place i was at with my mother and her ectopic pregnancy, and to consider whether it is possibke for me to consider forgiving her for whoring herself to my ex husband.  Which she did.  It makes me sick.  She thought it was cute.  I realized it in tbe places i was going in my mind today, skipping tbrough s number of serious times and issues, but i never ssw the part if it where she DAMAGED us, and now i do.  So yes, i sm on the job if forgiveness in my life, its s priority.  So i need to remember that she was a young woman alone in a strange and frightening country with s mental condition and a very immature husband, and she conceived improperly, that is to say, she had an ectopic pregnancy and the child growing would have killed her without medical treatment.  She underwent exploratory surgery–she thought she had s already miscarried, but there were tussues still growing, its nit nice to talk about.

And she never dealt with it.  She had the English equivalent of a high school education, and was very proud if it.  She thought all Americans were ignorant.  Her friends were European immigrants.  As her life wore on she became opinionated.   There was an emdless argument about how to talk and about agreeing to disagree.  They didnt care that their daughtet was getting raped at the state hospital–they didnt take the time to know.   It all served to bury the family sexual abuse:  “Abby is crazy and sex obsessed.”  I faded out of their lives, even when i showed up for two years to live with them after leaving the state hospital until meeting my ex husband.  And then i went to Californis.  And never really came back.

So yes its an error to fsult my mother fir her behaviour.  But i can draw the line to protect myself from harm.  Lovingly.  For my father i have few words.  Something he doesnt want to accept. I can hear my ex husband groaning in my mind.  I can only pray

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