OR “The Power of Repentance”
How can I share this? I have trusted in ‘promptings,’ like St. Faustian, feeling foolish and simple and as if God was playing a game to humiliate me and now His LOVE is surging through. I see the face if Jesus gentling me through all the broken places. “You have holes in your coat of armor,” my ex husband said to me when we furst met, and they became infinitesimal. “You are anxiety reactive, the PCP in California said. “It’s amazing how much you can know about a person in a brief meeting.” I was pregnant, and seeking a psych med, and not telling him I was pregnant because I knew it was bad for the baby. I was already planning on getting an abortion.
After awhile I was catatonic. I couldnt move because I was triggered several times in a split second. My ex continued to harbor me. I was good for a sex slave.
In Florida I took orphenadtine citrate for gross physical spasms. They came on me from learning to force myself through the stuck places to take care of the baby, who i conceived too soon after the second abortion. We had moved back east to Buffalo. By the time I got the orphenadrine citrate I had a curvature in my spine and a compressed nerve in my neck. My head was yanking diwn to the right. I drove myself to the ER alone.
Here, numerous years later, i have been taking Robaxin 3 tines daily STAT instead of PRN because I deduced that i was getting continual fine internal systemic spasms. And i have been sleeping through the night. And my thoughts are clearing. I have been moving towards this clarity for a couple of months here. But first I was led to clear the decks during an 8 month stay in an extended acute care inpatient hospital unit at a Catholic hospital. I prayed constantly and chanted tunes from Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar. The chaplains office (she was a lovely woman,) was just down the hall. I came here with a tired, soiled old heart tha t was ready to be made new.
The therapist at the hospital–a fellow English American– sent me here with the popular book “The Purpose Driven Life,” 40 days to a new life in Christ, and for the first time I was able to receive Christ when asked to. It’s been some time now since I finished it and i was dismayed at first, as nothing changed much it seemed.
So for years I’ve been listening to prompts, ,”do” or “avoid”, etc, ive written about this befire. Now instead I see the face of Jesus, who came to me on the smoking porch in the depths of the darkness there, and ssid, “Remember where I found you.” And with arms of light he guards my borders and i am once more becoming fluid and i SEE all those stuck pkaces and i am HEALING and i am SURE that my son is healing WITH me because my darkness became his.
Oh God! Im sorry i can’t explain it better. I am on the brink of HOPE. (I repented of the coffee. Six years ago I threw a boiling hot cup of coffee at my son. It hit him directly in the eyes, he had just lost all vision in his left eye when his best friend had thrown a dart at him and it lodged in his eye. I was off medication when i threw the coffee at him. The cops tasered me for it. I flipped over and landed on my head on the hard tile floor. All this led to finally divorcing. This is what I’ve needed to get back to. My son couldn’t understand what I did. He had violated me by shoving me in the belly. My already challenged bladder became damaged and finally I was completely bedridden. I had lost my motility. Not that i did it in purpose. I was crazed. Niw, here, I finally saw that i could REPENT of this and be made whole again. It ends where it started. Stop the madness. Bill I want to come home.
…after posting this I got horribly sick, violently upchucking and diarrhea from 430 to 830 am, every time I lay down I had to get up to throw up or run to the bathroom, i was afraid the Lord was punishing me for boasting. But we are supposed to boast of God’s grace, surely that was Satan tempting me. It came to me how to do pennance, (a few Hail Mary’s and 2 Our Father’s and a Rosary at the end of the night, this last thing I neglected, i got so lost.) I guess the sickness us what the Lord required of me, and my trust in Him. I am very week, and i lost a pack if cigarettes.
So anyway I trashed the post and then restored it, that’s why your likes don’t show up.