Illness and Insight

God has some brutal or “brute force” ways of working.

As soon as I said I would trust in his always keeping the thread for me,  He broke it.  And at the same time he showed me my roommate, who is, it turns out, a Catholic.  (She went to Mass this morning.)  So much as to say, you’ve struggled on your own for a long time: here is real faith.

I struggled with the most dismal and alone thoughts and feelings from the early morning hours, it had turned out that i had a fever of 100 and something at the end of the day yesterday so it was probably higher earlier.  I had a dismal paranoid fantasy about this place and when I lost the connection it was to my LIFE! I saw myself dying here.   It is not pleasant to write about it.

I struggled through the morning.  In the end i reconnected with my son –i had lost that connection also in my half-dreaming.  I realized that I could text him and even though he didnt answer it sufficed.

I took a shower and got the staff to change my bedding which i had soiled, only slightly it turned out.  I had laid there all through the morning not wanting to look.  Somewhere along the trajectory of the morning i saw where my mother and father were interfering, through having had a tentative meeting with me yesterday, which was based on my sudden agape acceptance of them in the face if mortality–either or both of them could die at any time so let’s just quit and be huuman to one another.  The visit fell through and was postponed until maybe today but today there was bad weather and i was still too sick but somewhere along the way i saw where there interference in my mind at several points this morning cured the Mr. Z problem where it took its antecedency in their interference during that time long ago during a weekend stay at their house when there was talk afterward of my having been drugged by her.

So instead of this crazy thread keeping I have some rational connections here in that i am connecting some of these crazy mixed up thoughts where my mother and father are concerned.  It leaves me free to finally give up Mr. Z, who was my first example of a Catholic, although he was apostate, like my father.  I had another therapist afterward who was a true Catholic and practicing his faith, and that was much safer, but i still had to cut the tie to Mr. Z and with that i am freed from bad Catholics, eg and ie my father.

Well that doesn’t exactly spell it out but that’s the best I can do with abstraction after 40 years of major tranquilizers.  I usually freak when i talk about my mother and father in the same breath.  Hallelujah! Hosannah in the Highest! Now God has led me to a Catholic Christian friend and i will have to see where he is leading the relationship,

 

Oh yeah, and its the Superbowl today.

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