Down a few points on the smoking porch

Had to go out with the protection of a staffer and she was protecting the peace in general and not just me and i took a few steps down in humility that i wasnt well able to accept, not being well established in my new mode which is falling all over nyself in my old, voluntarily sweet and kind humility from days of yore.  This is an enclave of the military as i have said, and my new self is compromised by my old self here, already a memory, but not in their minds.  I keep thinking (and falling all over myself not to say it,) “military intelligence is an oxymoron,” a popular quip from my Harvard days.  And i see it in a very valid way, and it helps me to understand my ex’s brilliance despite a slow moving intelligence: military training contains fantastically empowering knowledge, information, thought, strategy, that makes an individual who is within its net a finely tuned masterpiece, without that net, he is nothing, and does not and should not think outside the net except as prescribed by it, so he is functionally stupid.  My husband wasn’t a soldier but military brat, child of a soldier,  and he combines the military intelligence with the civilian ability to think outside the box,  part if which was prompted by my crazy supercivillian mental antics, a mind gone almost  to seed when we met i was in a horrifying condition .  But ibsee how big J holds to and died not deviate from the playbook in a way which leaves him pretty simple.  This is dull and tedious to type so it is probably tedious to read.  I used to try to write about “CanEnglAmerica” when we were all still a family, my son, my ex, and i.  And it made for some interesting posting.  But i deleted that blog in terror after write a bunch of stuff about hosting the Queen if England in our little town I  Florida.  Things got too strange.  Maybe that’s where i need to be again in my heart.  In order to understand what was going on in that alll American neighborhood while I was openly posting about matters like this.  After that came the suicide attempt, and the brain and nerve damage, and, ultimately, the divorce.

Well hey I didn’t give myself enough credit, i wasnt si dumb during those days.  Maybe lacking in judgment.  I will have to trust in the staff here to be supplying that, with the help of good God– she’s a Christian, the woman who took me out for the smoke.  The war needs to be settled.  I’m not comfortable that its settled.   I dont know what to do.

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