Jury Duty

After a day that was salvaged from a bad start to a lofty place, i am beached on a rocky shore with no help in sight. I got to the place where my mother had to give it over to my ex to let us be but then that clarity failed through my roommate usurping the sound waves with a lengthy and unnecessary repeat call to medical insurance.  I fell into a place if disconcerting realism where i saw my husband’s dislike s d resentment if my disability personality and even where he turned to my mother sexually and she fell all over herself to accommodate.  i recouped the day to a place of trust.  Then my basic trust with this place, based on a pact that i could take private smoke breaks, was broken again.   The nighttime security guard woouldn’t permit me to stand away from the smoking porch even though I told him staff had okayed it.  He stood with me, but i don’t think he will do it again.  So in a huge negative monent i find myself dashing against the rocks of the critical moment when i flipped out on my mother after the overdose when my tubes got fried by the catheter in the ICU, and now i clearly see how my father rubbed his hands in satisfaction, a perfect way to put his sexusal abuse if me behind him: the “daughter kicks her mom half to death” story was delicious:  bury her alive!  To this day no one wants to hear the truth, that the daughter was rendered vegetative by brain damage from sexual torture in the ICU and that’s why she harbored a dangerous paranoid schizophrenic for a lover and turned to sexual depravity, because the facts were unknown to anybody even to her blacked out mind.  i see it in a way i didn’t before but i don’t see any better any way around it.  God moves me through these moments for a reason but this time it is very unclear.  It feels like a stagnant place to get stuck in only to hurt myself.  I dont see any point in revisiting it.  I had marshalled my mother and made a huge step out of captivity.

God, i believe in you and i trust in you and i love you, please help your sorry soldier.

I see now that i already have the answer,  i finally was called out for jury duty.  I got the letter today.  I responded in the space provided in a few short sentences about the truth if my disability.  And i have beent talking it up plenty here.  Now the TRUTH is prime time.  Oh THANK YOU, most chaste spouse of the Virgin Mary. I prayed the Memorare to you on the way down to dinner.  Oh God you are good.  Hallelujah. Amen.

On “Old Business”:  the formal complaint against a particular staff person who so openly supported resident B.’s nonsense was the ticket. All morning at group the various staff members who had been doing this stopped, i didn’t even realize how bad it had been.  B. will have to look for greener pastures.

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