Doing penance for going off on my roommate yesterday (In my mind, but i can tell she felt it) over her getting on the phone when i was desperate to pray. I talked about it in my last post. I woke up in a BAD way this morning and finally understood that that was where i fumbled. Fortunately i had captured the whole day in my last post “Jury Duty”, which i looked at well before i had to get up, and i was able to Trust in the morning and i realized that it went back to the hangers, my mother was bringing some for the new wardrobes my roommate and i each got and i told my roommate I had extra my mother could bring for her, but she couldn’t get into the barn to get them and had to buy some so, no extra hangers, i kept all ten my mother gave me. And i felt selfish and possessive. This moment defied my Christianity and took me all over the place for the rest of the day until today I did atonement, putting out my 830 cigarette. I’ve been smoking too much. That figured into my relationship with my mother also: She brought me not 1 but 3 illegal lighters, it was an out for her after i had called her to maturity in my email (see “Most Important Email if My Life.”) Writing this post is also a penance. My roommate is sitting right here (laying down. ) It’s early Saturday morning. So the night ended, last night, with a last trip to the smoking porch and i was the only one out there and the nightwatchmen sent me back in: he didn’t tell me to go in, he just quietly circled the smoking porch, and i got up and went in. Which was a good thing because at that moment my mother was trying something on me n her “head” and i had the image of her hand grabbing me: she was CAUGHT! With the help of a stuck place just before bed. (The metal pull chain on the lamp jangled as i was turning out the lamp to go to bed) I carried her malfeasance into the morning where i have the morning light on my side.
So yes it was all about my meeting with my mother yesterday and there’s a whole lot going on there, but at this moment i am “on” the aggravating little girl with a damaged vagina that is part of who i have been all my life and a big chunk of it comes out in bizarre jealous fantasies and I pray O LORD that you can heal me. There is a personality with girls that is disturbed, and a personality wuth boys that is disturbd differently. Often the girls really love me. The boys get obscenely hurt, some catch it before it starts, others get angry. Is it possible that because of my physical female disability I am deficient in LOVE?
At the heart if it my mother refuses to acknowledge me and this is what I have now won with the help of my therapist, refer to “Post-Victorian Judith” in “…Email…”She said she wouldn’t bring in hangers for my roommate. Doesn’t she have someone to bring them in for her? She asked. So I really couldn’t give her any of the 10 my mother bought.
I guess my mother cant stand the horrifying reality: yes there WAS something wrong with her little daughter, being kneed in tbe crotch DID damage me, everything I have said all these years is true, all i want is a little pity to smooth the tears away, IT HURTS.
So, yes, my healing starts wuth penance. Healing for heart, mind, body and soul. I need to be retrained. I have to count on forgiveness of my former self, which means I also have to forgive others, and here i see myself, shaking my fist at God! Oh Jesus i never knew it!
This little girl needs a complete spiritual makeover. O LORD i never knew.