New Innocence, Continued

God tells us to give the reasons for our faith,  and it is delightful to do it.  I was thinking back to the awful place where i came here to Pennsylvania after the divorce instead if following my dream of going back to the antique and beautiful apartment complex in Buffalo we moved to to have our son.

In the elevator we stepped into (my mother, my father, my son, and i), to go up to my room in the extended stay hotel, when i first arrived here from Florida, there was a card tucked  into the metal surrounding a sign.  “And you DARE to call yourself a Catholic?” it read.  My first thought was, did my father put that there?  We had a conflict about my faith.  The Lord said to me yes.  It was the beginning of my listening to these voices God puts into my mind.  I doubted, but in the face of fear I didn’t want to feel, but i clung to the voice.  My family was silent.  I went back there in my mind again and again, there was no way to know other than what the Lord said.   When my son was a toddler and didn’t want to go to bed, my father turned out every single light in the house and hid so that my son had no choice but to go back to his room and and stay in his bed.  He couldn’t reach any if the light switches.  This is one example of his serious power and control malfeasances.  He has no idea the harm he does and the malice he causes.  It is only recently that i have been able to call on my God as “Father” without automatically having my father come to mind and refusing to get out of the way.

So i went back to that place in the elevator every so often. And continued to stonewall my father on it.  And i went back to NOT going to Buffalo often at first with extreme pain, the office manager there was furious, he had held 3 different a apartments for me and he was not forgiving which perpetuated the feeling that i had done sonething wrong.  Well the Lord works everything to the good but i suffered over this one.  I could only figure that i was too weak and sick to go there and that in the end however horrible ny mother and father have  been there is more support here:  i am finally coming to a place where i am picking up with the person I was here 30 years ago, and whether it’s because of my age or for other reasons that person seems to have considerable clout.  The Wernersville connection is not all bad.  It was not foolish or silly that i stood for those people, it was respected, the sexual involvement notwithstanding.  There was a reason and a rhyme to it.  It was horrible thst that happened but it is a significant part of the story because of the inappropriate history in my family. Both in itself and because of how it had already adversely impacted my efforts to get therapy.  I was at wits end.

So i revisited the card about Catholics in the elevator, today, and i saw how it could form an ending as well as a beginning to this 5 1/2 years of subservience to my mother and father.   I have been challenging my father, as i have been saying, for about 4 months now, and he is weakened:  i have no problem now calling upon FATHER  God.  I was lost during the past 5, 51/2 years, a perpetual newcomer, friendless, getting nowhere.  Now i see how this time works as a buffer, a safe, blank, mindless space to work against with all that pain, i talked about the Patsy S. Problem in my last post, she was a woman at the state hospital who launched me on 30 years of OCD which is now HEALING here in this time and place.  The endless unfair punishments that never taught anything, the positives that never proved through. All that is getting solved.

 

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