Now i have my life complete. The last thing in the pipeline was the questionable involvement with black racial ussues, where I had determined that i sexualized Blacks and withdrew from that arena. I repented. But repentance brings good things. I have always been thrown into the race issue since marching for blacks with my parents around age 7, then having black teenagers stay with us in a program at my father ‘s workplace when i was 12 and 13, and then I had a black scholarship student for my first roommate st Wayland School.
My family had many Jewish friernds since their fellow European immigrants tended to be Jewish. A very smart girl from one of these families who i was friends with for a while told me this joke: a man died and went to heaven, but God sent him back to earth. Back on earth his friends asked him, so what’s God like? “She’s Black,” he replied.
So I grew up in a mixed racial and religious world, went to liberal Hutton University and lived in the liberal student mecca, the Boston area, and then suddenly found myself thrown into the rural, Lutheran, born again Christian, all white and Penna Dutch Reading area of Pennsylvania. I never knew what hit me. It’s taken me all these years to put it together. I had to become a sociologist to figure out my life. And a organizational psychologist. And a mother. And a Christian. And to become American I had to cut my teeth on the race issue. Here the Blacks have found fault with me, and i have had to stand up to it. Yes, i was an abuser, but i learned. I did it because I could. I had all kinds if abuse issues going on and did t even know it. But now i do and i have a good knowledge base to draw from and i know what not to do. There’s one black woman here who i do have trouble with, she’s aggressively against me and SHE wants to abuse ME, the little English white girl. It works both ways. I took a hold if her at dinner just now and stopped it. She’s been trying to intimidate me. I took a look at my life and I’m satisfied. I’m done. I’m accounted for. The books are good, the ledgers are balanced. If anyone wants an accounting I’m ready to give it. I havent hurt Black people any more than I’ve hurt white people. I think the balance is that through genuine concern I have made a positive contribution to the well-being of Black Americans, donating money to the Southern Poverty Law Center, talking up Black rights when busing came to our white town in South Florida, writing to the Times about reverse racism and sparking a discussion. My letters to the Times and to the Obama administration about abortion during Obama’s presidency had the unfortunate effect of pitching me as the radical right when i was just trying to appeal on an intellectual level and totally struck the wrong nerve on the racial level and i have not recovered from this.
As I let go if the predominance of the Dove presidency, however, i can marshall all those old timeses and places where i once crashed and burned, I’m not hogtied, i can think for myself and i see how the Dove afforded safety for moving through the race issue and that i was able to do sone good.
So to date my life feels completed, no longer worthless, the positives for the race issue weigh against the horror of the abortions in my accounting, i hope and pray that’s not just a use.