Big things are in the pipeline. This morning I made up with the patient B. whom i mentioned in another post: he had a bad fall over the weekend so it was timely. I had forgiven him and repented if a bad attitude towards his clumsiness borne out if resentment. Thank God.
On the way home I blurted out to the driver, before B. got on the van, what had happened, that I had made up with him, and instantly felt stupid. I am working on forgiveness and TRUST. B. is a man, i thought to myself. You don’t talk about him like that. Instantly my son came into my mind covering for me: “That’s okay,” he said to me. “You dont have to beat yourself up. ” I repented right away and quickly the silver lining became apparent, i was right on the verge of it: i needed to give up trying to have perfect insight into every moment, it just wasn’t me, it was the “Advocate President” I was always trying to be, a lame bird I needed to give up, she was never meant to be. There was a period if time where i used to talk with myself about how the appearance as well as the reality was important when you are in a position of authority and about trying to live up to being a Harvard graduate, and i took it all so horribly seriously. What i got out of this was 2 abortions. I just wasnt cut out for the role, it put a serious cramp in my style. Another way i used to look at it that really made me mad was that i wanted to BE a writer, and i had incredible literary resources from living in a world of books that gave me a unique gift that was was destroyed by being in a position where i was responsible to foster other writers. It just wasn’t me. I was eccentric like crazy, and afraid to show it to my new friends at the Advocste (a literary magazine), especially when i had already been asked to run for President. 35 years later i feel like Francis Farmer the actress who had a t.v. show after she got the lobotomy at the state hospital. I have my blog, and i write about real things instead of silly notions. But I’ll nevet write friction or poetry, which I wanted to do. I dont have the heart. I run the risk of offending my reader but i have to say this. If only i could say I have 3 children to show for my tears. Ha! That was a typo. I meant to say years. But i am fighting for the life of the one who lived, praying every day. I dont even have my marriage, although i did see for sure that Alex would be gladder to have me back without the vainglory of the Advocate President. Now I’m in a good position. I have her at my disposal but i can put forward a much more likable personality. One who’s been through Hell and back.
Hallelujah. Amen. Good God. This is what I’ve been waiting for all my grown life. You can be sure ill be on my knees praying to St. Michael Archangel against Satan, who lives to TRY to take down a moment like this. Another prayer i have been saying is to quote from the Cloud of Unknowing: “There is no lost time in Jesus .. Knit yourself, then, to Jesus, Mary, and all the saints and angels in Heaven who keep time in perfect justice because if love.” Amen.