Resident T., who pissed in the sunshine outside the smoking porch this afternoon, was out there alone when i went outsude for a lonely smike just now, and ran inside when he saw me. On the way back in i felt corrupted, like I became the bully I have inside. On the way up the stairs I was behind C., who akways gets locked out of her room, and a staff member who was letting her in. They were walking slowly. My mind was taken back to the state hospital 30 some years ago, my first admission, when i hurt the patient Roberto’s feelings because he thought he was going to date me and i was taken in by another patient, Caleb. When I first got there, Roberto talked about love all the time, he came into my room saying “make love” and i had to chase him out. He was there because he had been hit on the side of the head with a baseball bat when he was a child. One eye was wild. He had said, “my mother said, you’re a joke.” He said, “she likes him just because if the cast.” (Caleb had left the state hospital, got in a bar fight, and then come back and was put on my ward. He had already been after me before he left and came back.) After that, Roberto started laughing sarcastically, and that was all i ever heard from him after that. After a while i blocked it out, it made me feel so bad. I wasnt sure whether i had done something terrible. Looking back I realize it led to my radical moral shift, not a very well thought one. My friend Cathy there was always saying it was a beautiful place, and it was, the grounds were lovely, and in my post-near -death -experience modality I was quite ready to find delight in the strange characters I met there who had wives in outer space and the like, i didn’t understand that the dark side i saw signs of was real. It all seemed like a fairy tail. Everything was FREE–you could live there for free. I had never heard of such a thing and to my poor broken life it seemed a miracle. This first stay perpetuated in my mind even thou i quickly hit a reality check when i left the hospital and realized how scary Caleb was; and then i had to go back a second snd then a third time. That period if my life was all etched in unreality because of the powerful impact if the trauma and damage of the suicide attempt, and i was always lost afterward. So now i suddenly remember Roberto, i dont remember his last name any more. Did i do damage to that place? I worried rhat I did and Caleb who, in my confusion, i kept in touch with, made sure to read and confirm my paranoid fantasy. Looking back i still don’t get it. All the state hospitals are closing now. X-ville state hospital is still open. Im even still being threatened with being put back there. The doctor says i don’t belong there any more but im being threatened with it anyway.
Well all i could do is record these feelings and memories and save them for another time. Theres no reality from before the first trip to the state hospital to ground me. But something is coming full circle here, that’s about the best i can do with it. Its a question if letting go of Roberto and my fear, where it leads me in not sure.