Not going well

My turning over a new leaf here is not going well.  I had a bad monent with the nighttime security guard that reminded me of how badly i was treated in my earlier stay here, and i had the feeling I wouldn’t be able to let it go.  And just now the two different men who pissed in front of me at different times came out together when i was grabbing my smoke break. I turned my back  but one of them persisted,  coming up to me and putting himself in front of me looking for “shorts” on my cigarette.  He ruined my smoke!  I was so angry that i smoked the cigarette all the way down so that there wasnt any left for him to take out of the cigarette receptacle, which he proceeded to do anyway, he might have gotten a puff or two off of it.  This is more than the LORD telling me not to smoke, i think He is telling me to move on.  I can’t leave until the end of March.  I wasn’t sure i wanted to go bit I guess maybe u should start thinking about it.  This has been a therapeutic environment but maybe not any more.  I dunno.  Whst would there be to do here without smoking?  What woukd there be to do anywhere without smoking? I am at a loss.

I am experiencing cravings without even actually wanting a cigarette.  It’s horrible, i dont even want to smoke, i just feel unpleasantly dissatisfied in my guts, it’s a withdrawal from smoking too much.  The program allows me 7 smokes a day but i was doubling up and smoking two on one smoke break and also adding extra smoke breaks as i was going out on my own whenever I wanted.   I realize I’ve been going through a pack in less than 2 days.  I thought they were going down too fast.

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