I come upon a place very different from what I thought. The Lord wont take me back to where i was early this morning where i saw my son and his suffering and how he felt about my book and my blogging. I caught a glimpse of it and then it was gone again. I think i AM being called here to blog. Instead he is showing me Buffalo, finally He is showing me that yes, i SHOULD have gone there, i WAS asked to (instead, I came here to PA 5 1/2 years ago after the divorce) . I racked my brains over that, and I’ve been spinning my wheels here, and nothing has gone right. I had forgotten all about it, but it’s whst underlies my sense of frustration. I repented, and the LORD gave me atonement: 10 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Mary’s, and a Divine Mercy Chaplet. The praying got vety intense, but it’s a miracle! My thoughts have cleared, and the Lord has shown my that i would have died in Buffalo. I was headed for it at that time. It would have been poetic and sweet, and nobody would have remembered me, not even my own son. My parents woukd have sprinkled my ashes over Niagara Falls Have I said any time recently that my son was born when we were living in Buffalo 20 some years ago? It was one, beautiful stop on the itinerary that finally led to Florida. I asked the apartment manager to lease me a unit sight unseen, and he was more than willing to, and then i reneged, it was horrible, he was very, very angry, i had told him the whole story and he had been tickled. And right away people here in Pennsylvania, when i got here, seemed hostile and stared at me. I revisited that sad place over and over when i first got here, i even bought an airline ticket to go there, to Buffalo, but after the disaster of the first apartment I got here I was too weak to go.
So anyway sone time i looked up tbe alartments abd rhey had gone no smoking and so i thought thats that, but now i am close to being a nonsmoker! O Buffalo IS wide open again.
Now i need to figure God’s will for me here and now with the suicide attempts and my son’s addiction behind us, i pray, and no more spinning the wheels. A fresh start, a place to stay, and a blog to keep. Allelujah, Amen.