Big J.

Big J. on the smoking porch is out of line.  This man has the mental age of his shoe size which is even more alarming because they must be about size 16, this man is HUGE, and he throws his weight around, that’s what he’s doing now.  His size wins out over any rational argument.  He’s picked his battle with me and no matter things change he won’t quit. I’m at wits end.  Im thinking about David and Goliath but it doesn’t bring any solace.  So it occurs to me to wonder if state hospital Caleb could or would help me.  He’s not as big but he’s a thousand times scarier.  He used to practice black magic, would i be trying to use Satan?  I know he turned to faith in the would I call on him in my mind?  I have the problem thst being at the State hospital cut me off from all my old friendships from prior to that, I was dead out if the water.  I have no place else to turn.  On the other side of time I have my ex husband and all my marital relationhops, and they are a detraction.  I am unsupported.  I was in a passage with my son and in not safe to follow it although it was extremely important, i was going back to a time I was horrified to remember and thinking it might have been best for God to take me.  I’m on the defensive now, God said, “make a case for your innocence” and there is a perfectly good one, i was so ill, but nobody understood that, and i had a selfish quality much like my father’s but without the safety net he had in my mother. I have to take responsibility for heinous.mistreatment of my little one at times where i was too deranged to understand the impact if my behaviour but I was ACCOUNTABLE, i remember feeling SHOCKED that nobody would help me when my baby was born:  I’m connecting now that tbese were the foolish lessons from the state hospital that I needed to Unlearn, we have to look out for ourselves, things in life ARE NOT free.  I got so deeply imbued with the bizarre morality I created out of my first, surreal stay at the stste hospital that i was as doomed as I felt.  Oh LORD, REDEEM ME.  I love my son.  I couldnt help what i did when he was little.  My heart got savaged by the situation I was forced into and I truly lost my mind, i wasnt human any more.  Please forgive me and help my son in the most intrinsic ways to heal and find the love I couldnt give him, i won’t be selfish or jealous, you know I have let my mother love hm in my place and how awful that had been for me all the time.  Oh redeemer, save and restore us, and bring conversion into the world of my aging parents so that we can all have peace and the comfort of your LOVE.

10 minutes later

Went to Caleb in my heart and was glad to feel his friendship.  I remembered how Bill (my ex) had said that my mother should only be allowed to be around the children when they were very young, and i thought, not even that, i remember thinking. this baby is going to be 40 one day, and i remember saying this to her, she made inane fun with the two grandsons and then because i was sick it was perpetuated; and i had to sign off on this because there was  no other way.  Today, both the children she took over, my son and my nephew, scary messes.  It helps me understand ME, too.

I have at least a few more sessions with Deborah, the Christian therapist. I saw her today.  I pray that she can help me make sense of this horror and this mess.  I have been afraid to look at it before because i had no guidance.  She prayed for me today.   She talks about TRUTH.

Oh God I’m scared.

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