There’s a woman here who has the better of me through the men. Something went down about a “gang bang.” She was standing talking to little J., who isn’t here any more, i just realized. And i walked in. Their eyes were locked. Then he turned to me. In the end something was said about a gang bang and i thought they were talking about me and i was embarrassed, then I thought hopefully that maybe it was about her. That was ages ago now. Now the men are playing her off of me, telling her she’s gorgeous around me and just now i heard them calling me ugly and fat assed. Which may be true for all I care, that’s the end of staff member B. starting about “she must be sonebody’s baby” (he was rocking and singing to the song on the way to the clinic with me in the van alone with him.) I was super ugly in the end stages of my illness, abusing laxatives for God’s sake. It was vital to get sone attention and i am thankful for it but its better that its over now. Phew. The attention got really negative. So this girl was joining in against me so now i dont care if i down her, i was being very, very nice to her before. She fishes through the butt receptacles for juicy butts, spits thick mucus all over the smoking porch, and lays down all over the place. She used to bum cigarettes from me. My state hospital “me” plows a swathe of destruction through these clowns. I just have to figure out how to set het loose. It involves female state hospital patient G., who i knew there 30 years ago, whom I followed in my travels all over the continent, and who was also a resident HERE after we got to know each other at the state hospital. I visited her at one of the satellite residences that are part if this organization.
Georgia. That’s the name. It doesn’t hurt to give it. She goes by a different name now, i learned when I met up with her on a psych ward in Florida. For real. This is where the journey which started at the state hospital crosses over with the story of my marriage and family life, and the unravelling will set me free.
In the morning I realized it was all sour grapes. Getting over missing Buffalo was huge. Im in a different place now. All bets are off. I won I won I won!