Well one victory was long in coming, i had to learn about forgiveness, and my son helped me too: you can’t control others, he pointed out. I was very afraid of giving over sexual territory becsuse of my history, but now I have “the new innocence, ” and when the male resident B. got close with me in a way i didn’t like on the way home from partial hospital program in the van I realuzed that that was his to own and didn’t reflect on me. As someone had suggested a while back, i needed to show compassion for his weakness in his sexuality, which was the whole reason for his offense toward me, and i forgave him. Then i fell into a bad place and ended up having to seek the help of my caseworker, who took me out for a cigarette (and confiscated my lighter!) I got some anti-nxiety meds, took a nap and got up and went out for a cugarette. There i confronted the old man who called me an ugly fat ass last night (he used to tell me i was gorgeous) and the woman he did it for (of my last post “Cutthroat ” ) and i passed through them unharmed, it was a simple victory of politics: the statet hospital trumps this place easily. Theyre out there now laughing, but they will scatter if they see me. However i realize in coming here to post that I need to turn the victory over to Christ, i partially did, but tbe major vicory in Christ with resident B. had to happen as well. It’s been an in and out day, I really should have stayed home from partial program but my caseworker insisted I go today. There’s forgiveness of my mother in the matter of the lighter as well, she inappropriately brought me a shiney new 2 pack and another one that was laying around, it’s the kind if thing thats so difficult with her, she’s being nice but she should know better, it ends up getting me in trouble. She has aslways fostered my smoking habit, in spades, and my son’s too.
I’m regaining safe territory by returning to the prescribed smoke breaks, 7 cigarettes a day.
I just realized that the laughter I was hearing was from the other side of the building, only staff goes out there.