It turned out I was super constipated too. Generally these days i have to use a suppository for constipation about every 5 days and this time I went 6 days and last time I didn’t go enough. So I was feeling a little boggy as well as being immobilized by the UTI. God bless my caseworker for sending me to the doctor’s, she knew well enough to be concerned. My blogging through these past few days is a good witness to the trouble my PHYSICAL condition gets me into, and this has been going on in some form all my life (since being kneed in the crotch when I was a little girl.)
I have 3 YEARS worth of documentation of my abuse of laxatives to try to manage the constipation, in the form of calendars in which I recorded everything I took and exactly how and whern I went to the bathroom. It is etched in fear. Nobody can blame me for what i did, when i o.d.’d. I was so ill and only a 5th, major suicide attetmpt could justify this necessary one year + 3 mos -so-far stay, and counting.
So after an error on the way back in from smoking earlier, i prayed for help, instead of punishing myself, and found myself reading Psalm 107. Then God led me to get the suppository. They said, “you look better, you’re smiling.” And i was.
In the midst of all this im rying to be a woman, as the UTI put me back in touch with old tines when I used to get UTIs a lot because I was in a relationship. So i realized i should have paid attention to Big J. out smoking because he was trying to make paths straight as a man to a wonan
I’m thinking about how the onset of the whole DO, DO NOT voice started when I was taking Topamax (an anticonvulsant used for mood) back in 2003, as I am now, and i am having a lot of those same crazy symptoms, i remember thinking back then that God was calling me as a prophet. I blame myself so much for how i failed my son but I was so lost. That was the beginning of rhe end. I went 3 weeks without sleep. After thst I was GONE . My sleep and ny lower GI failed. I’m only now recovering.