I didnt expect to be back so soon, it was gruelling to post that last post on a cell phone. The typos get insane.
Once again the smoke shack unsettled me: Big J. of the size 16 (20?) shoes was out there alone. I lit up my cigarette.Then I realized he was making slight grunting sounds so I went outside and suddenly remembered last night when I woke up to rolling around with him in bed (in my mind) I am drawn to him but have not consented to this. I didnt know what to do. I just lay still and didn’t move until I passed out again. That was the “lost” that i woke up to this morning, it was awful. I didnt rem ember what happened. I only knew that it was a relief to get out of bed.
So the young black tech who went to rehab was standing outside my door to get me for meds so I told him of my son, and this was good. The information he gave me let me understand that my sons case is very serious. I dont want to break his privacy, so that’s all I will say. But the conversation– which drew me away from the bad moment over the RAPE!, led me to think about SEXUAL addiction in my life which although it had its roots in INVOLUNTARY behaviour, was nonetheless very compelling and it was a soul destroying job to protect myself and my family from the fallout of my throwing myself on the wide sea of sexual sin in anger against my fatger, when i was 17. For instance my exhusband fell in love oit with me but with inapproprate sex, and i wont say more than that.
Here i have had a terrible time guarding my borders because very moment is a sexual challenge for me because of these darn infinitesimal triggers. It’s a sexual response that’s involved and people who aren’t nice can pick up on it and it leads to trouble. This is what i get for being so proud of being ny ex’s “sex slave.” Im just realizing it as i write. I hated it, it hurt, and it led to abortion, and i was terrified if Satan. But i felt pretty grand all dressed up in garters and heels, and stopping traffic in Santa Monica in my skintight black dress and heels. I was in a shocking condition, oh God i realize it i was PROUD, oh you stupid little girl Abby.
I was crushed and broken. But even intense pain can become eroticized if it is associated with orgasm and this involves the ego
“St Michael Archanget,defend us in battle. (Etcetera)” this has been an ugly work of SATAN.
“Save the life of my child” Paul Simon I’m going to go listen to thst sing and see if it has any meaning for me about crazy fd up relationships and the children that are born into them.