The Lord is waking me up this morning with attention to my eyes.
The title represents me some 20 years ago screaming on a psych ward because my eyes were spasming. I hadn’t connected yet about the sexual injury in fact I’m just connecting right now that eye function is closely intertwined with brain function and sexuality has a powerful interconnection with both. So when I got the sexual injury when I was 24 my brain went, too, a patient on the psych ward that i returned to after the ICU said “her mind is gone.” And she was right.
There was a bunch of weird stuff about eyes. Now suddenly I can’t remember. Daisy the cat went down into a groundhog hole, we surmised, and came out with a broken nose and tooth and i can’t remember now but there we an eye problem. There was nothing we could do for her. From then on she had to throw her food back to the back of her mouth, she was such a well behaved cat she nevet let us know of any pain until the end when she lost her son Thomas. We had to have him put down because he had a stroke. Daisy must have been scared. She became hypervigilant and was loudly meowling.
Way before this, before I even met my husband (who is so nearsighted he is practically blind), a pychiatrist at the State hospital put in a progress note of which I recieved a copy that i “made good eye contact.” Well i won’t tell you how had that made me feel. Oops! A State hospital move, kind if like giving Francis Farmer a lobomy i figured. I got totally oversensitive about my eye contact, then I met my husband, who avoided making eye contact the SECOND time we met, when i needed to check him out because everything at the hotel where me met at a singles function was kind of dark. Im figuring right now that maybe that was because he couldn’t because he wad so blind. OR, that was a habitual strategy of his. As was the entire approach. And i never saw it coming. Like the unprotected sex that got me pregnant just a month after we met. Oh God. He targeted me for the Green Card. Simple as that. I can see him in my mind, thinking it’s funny. Which is s sreen for what he is really feeling, which he doesn’t want me to know, except he’s scared because he’s caught. Now i hear him in my mind threatening to harm my son.
I’ll just go on.
Something terrible happened around “eye contact” with my son, whej he was just born i saw that his eyes were kind of wobbly and i was scared, they’re supposed to be like that, i didn’t know it, and i tried to make eye contact, and then he fell, nobody saw it happen, my ex was in the living room with him. When I saw him i saw that he had a little blood on his eye. My ex said he didnt see anything happen. Now there’s a small scar there. In Maryland he had an obvious problem with his left eye, and, way later, like me, he had to look down, OR preferred to, when you were talking to him. He had ttouble at the naval academy boardng school because they insisted he look up, i was afraid it hurt him., i watched him get yelled at for it and was afraid to say anything. The deficit wasn’t as obvious at that time and my son guarded it closely, i was thinking of finally getting him to see an ophthalmologist when BOOM! There was a massive family trauma: an ill-conceived trip to England, and there was a quick turnaround becsusr the first evening i was there my ex got a phone call saying that my son had been struck in his left eye by a dart, it penetrated the white of the eye to the depth of 2 mm from the brain. We are very lucky thst he isn’t dead. Woah this is where we all are.
I didn’t mention about my father’s stroke, which left him largely unscathed but with damage to the visual processing function of the brain. Like me, my father lost his sense of smell and it affected him in his relationships. NOW I remember, that’s why I guessed that Daisy had an eye problem because of the strain from losing her sense of smell from the broken nose. She was always running out into the wilderness up in the brush behind the farmhouse after that, strung out, i can’t think of a better word for it, like me and my Dad.
So now my Dad’s trying to offload me, thinking he can, we’ve been held together by BOTH reacting immaturely to what he did to me. Typical of him, he got me to assist him in HIS unraveling of the drama, he asked me to order obscure books on the eye from Amazon.com. to assist him with a “book” he was writing, i encouraged him to write as a kindness when they were down and then he took off with it and claimed it as his own and leveled it at me. I was aware for a long period of time that he was quoting me without acknowledging me, in the early 2000s and during the period of my most intense paranoia I was terrified that he was keeping notes on my behabior, styling himself as a scientist with regard to my illness, which would be such a horrible offence given the still uncured malfeasance of the sexual attempt when I was 17 and the fallout of many years after that.
The book was a strange conglomerate like mine years later, of personal writing about his youth and birth family life in England, plus reollections of his career PLUS a whole lot of weird stuff about EYES and brain function. YOU WERE PLAGIARIZING LIKE CRAZY DAD. YOURE DAFT. He was trying to make a point about artificial intelligence i believe, as that was what he wanted me to write about FOR HIM when I was in college. But he was obviously getting into trouble at Amazon.com for ordering a lot of obscure books on the the same subject, it was getting perverted.
So I’m going out to lunch with him next Saturday. The postman always rings twice. I had complely forgotten that we DID already get together, he thought he had me and he didnt.
So yesterday I saw the condition of my eyes in a flash, while I was focusing on other things: looking away from the mirror, which is my habit, i had a vision as in outer space, or maybe in inner space, of my optical nerve spiraling away from the inside of my eye like coarse, unraveling twine.
So I asked for Tylenol for eye pain at the med window last night, and the Lord led me to seize at the breakfast counter, i realized it was for spasms in my eyes as I bumped into someone on the way out, and for once i didnt fear that everyone around me hated me for it.
I remember that in 1998 i went to a doctor in St. Petersburg, FLA complaining if eye spasms because they were interfering with my driving, and the totally sympathetic doctor [NOT] told me to keep taking ativan, the benzo, and reported me to the DMV for driving on unreported medication. I lost my license. (For a while. That’s another story.)
So here I am. Trying not to feel the pain.
Woah. I just got an intimation while I was figuring out what I wanted to say next about he abuse by my brother when i was THIRTEEN, they’ve been lying about it all along to prtotect HIM, they didn’t give a RATS ASS about ME, and i HAVE them on it. The night that i lost it and beat on my mother, while they were UNDRESSING me i said, is this what you used to do to me?” She said “it happened when you were thirteen ” so she cant say she didn’t know anything about it.
And look at me now.
And look at my son at 18.
So my father and i will talk about eye and olfactory functioning, and quitting smoking, thats another eye irritant, as was driving with the window open wide as I always used to, joy riding for 4 hours at a time (when i was YOUNG.) Ive been “going at” my left eye lately, the OCD, this used to be my worst nightmare, getting stuck on it, it’s a question of uncondtioned responses becoming conditioned, i was afraid to think about my heartbeat beause it might stop! This is no joke! So, my eye, it’s weepy and and it hurts a little. One good thing I have going for me is that i don’t have trouble with benzos or pain meds, (or alcohol for that matter.) I just have all four health complaints common in my age range. So my father and i can talk about all this. I will make this a sticky post, stuck to the top of the blog, so rhat I remember. He will have to stoop from the high place he has made for himself in the sky through intellect (aaachoooo) etcetera, stoop to attend the shattered mind and soul of his little girl. And yes, well talk about eyes.
Oh, yeah, and Dad, when you forced me to take the lithium, which was observed early on by Dr Taube in Maryland to NOT work for me, not only was my blood pressure permanently damaged, and my thyroid, and then my bowels, but finally my eyes got so dry the last time I took it that my eyes, also, suffered permanent damage because at your insistence the doctor ignored me when i complained about the dry eyes. Finally he took me off the lithium because IT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. “When i go off it,’ i said to him, “i get a bad reaction.” ” You wont be going off of it,” he said. Then he took me off of it. My thyroid was fd.
I spent HOURS on this post, and the upshot was the I got called out for being fragile and spastic on the smoking porch after missing two smoke breaks. So i marched directly to the med station and asked for Tylenol for eye pain from spasms and mentioned the female spasms as well and asked to see a doctor about it. Ill follow up with that tomorrow. Im posting on a Sunday. I just realized that i missed church again, my vouces in the early morning hours told me not to go, God, i was in an abysmal place. But this posting was Godly work, making paths straight.
What I came back to briefly note is that the state hospital boyfriend who still has a hold on me–and in recent days I have been looking at the old name association game I played, here, that confused me and realizing with gratitude that my therapist will HELP me with this–his father was an optometrist and he talked about wanting to be an eye surgeon. Thats when all this eye trouble with eyes started, i have to point out. And i got involved with him over my Dad, because he, my Dad, had made an inappropriate phone call to me at the state hospital, asking me for a referral to a psychiatrist, he would deny it now but it happened and it upset me, i didnt know what to tell him and i was angry that he called me out like that. Next thing i knew I was walking down the garden path with this man, who, it later turned out, suffered a head injury, not schizophrenua; and we becane deeply involved.
So I don’t for a moment hesitate to believe that this person could jinx my eyes, but at the same time im not comfortable with this rhinking, it comes SO out of the state hospital; so I will take this whole heap of a mess to my beloved new ththerapist this week, i pray she’s there.
I am back here Monday morning to refresh” my mental “page.” I knew that i was safe seeing my M and D yesterday:, she brought a carton of cigarettes and he came along for the ride. There was interference left over this morning, but all I had to do was cone back here and reread this. I need to see a doctor about the spasms.