Cutting to the chase

My mother is napping so she can’t come to visit.  I wanted her to, because i am on my last pack of cigarettes, i suddenly discovered.  That carton went by fast.  So she and my father will cone tomorrow.  I hate that “father,” as it applies to my dad, is a humorous word.

I remember my mother and my brother in our early childhood.  He threw a plate at me: I have a scar on my forehead.  I don’t know where the white mark on my lip came from, maybe it’s just a birth mark as I always assumed.  I remember feeling very distant from my mother, afyer my sister was born; its hard to rernember earlier times, but i know i used to punch the big Raggedy Ann doll I had.  I remember one incident of teasing my brother, i called him a “dirty little beggar boy.”  Later on in my life i was known for having a way with words, not always for the good.  Some stuff i did doesn’t bear mentioning–not to my brother, but with my “friends”–the playmates i was forced to see.  My mother left it to their mothers to discipline me, breathing a sigh when I didnt behave well.  She complained that i teased my brother, but i know that she also  protected him when he harmed me.  I don’t think that she was really ready for either if us but as time wore in she chose for my brother, and then for my sister.  My behaviours were interpreted through the lens of her preferences.  Conveniently,, i went away to boarding school.  They brought my brother back home.  I slipped into memory.

I saw sonething in my mind eye that broughr me here to post but I am too tired:  I spent about 5 HOURS on my last post, “Arghhhhhh”  Its stuck to the top of the blog so it wont be below this one.  God led me here, i had something in my mind about ny mother, my brother and i but I don’t have the strength to post it.  Maybe this will remind me of it some other time.  Now ENUF IS ENUF.

Another rape dream last night.  This tine it was graphic.  I woke up in a horrible state, i didn’t see how I was going to be able to get uo.

…This blog is a miracke for me.  My topics may be somewhat unusual but they are a part of healing from a hideous illness and i appreciate my readers’ forbearance and consideration.

After leaving this post an hour or two ago I got permission to hold both cigarettes and a lighter and to smoke in the gazebo on the other side of the building, where only staff go.  I took my concern to the case manager on duty, who referred me to GOOD staff member J, who did this for me.  Strictly on the DL of course.  ENUF IS ENUF

THANK YOU, GOD

I am blessed.

 

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