I found in the past that speaking openly in this matter moved the conversation forward so i do not remove this post even though i hesitate to leave it here. When i wrote to the Times about reverse prejudice in South Flirida, there was a plethora of commentary about the Black mans low self esteem. I wrote a paper called “Black People Should Be Treated Like Royalty, ” which i gave to the black man i mention lower in this post, who liked it and kept a copy; and also to my friend, the wife of a prominent black public intellectual who talks about matters of race.
I republished this post for the sake of continuity. It is confused and disorganized and touches all kinds of nerves but i am free to speak. I dont say these things to hurt anyone, it is a part of my history i am trying to redeem and putting it out there feels like rhe best way to do that:
Back to a sensitive subject, that i sexualized Black induviduals, when i was in a deeply eroticized state because of the bad, unpleasant, unwanted sexual dynamic of my relationship with my husband who didnt understand that i did not WANT to be a sex slave and i was desperately struggling with him, which he knew and that was a part if it. Like “cuffs.” Its horrible what i learned that i dont want to know. When we moved to a mixed race community, in Germantown, Maryland, in early 1995, i was afraid. I was afraid to be living among Black people because i never had. My husband took me to task on it. He had a pro Black mindset at that time. We were renting from a Black man. I ended up cracking up and going to a hospital for 3 months and there, where a woman got gangbanged and another woman was married to a male nurse, i fell into sexualizing one of rhe make nurses, a married black man. There was an African Black man who i loved, that was different. Im sorry if that is hurtful. Its just the way it is. I was scared. I have finally perceived all this and have repented. It has taken time and several inappropriate posts (politically incorrect, and i finally understood the meaning of this, that they would have hurt and offended) to prove it through: the repentance, As I sit here in the hallway by the med station waiting for my ride to my therapist appointment over at the clinic, i realize how much larger an issue it is than i ever understood. I only understood it as a problem for me. Please forgive me the potential offense in my writing about it. Black women and men pass, and women and men who appear to be maybe one tenth black, or part Hispanic–im not good at discerning race. It’s boggling to my mind how broad an offense against race can be.
So there was a racial incident last night, second time with the same man. The other tine I was at a loss for words when I was left alone with him on the smoking porch and i got up and left. Last night he bummed a cigarette and i said no, because i had already given out too many. He bummed “shorts” on my cigarette and i said no, because I make it a policy not to share my cigarette. Then (I had diarrhea ) I had to run, and disposed of the butt in the butt receptacle before finishing it. I felt badly and got a serious error message which I don’t want to mention. So i went my back downstairs to apologize. I caught him in the hall. It was embarrassing. But i followed ny guiding voices.
So this morning I woke up all scared that everyone was all pissed off at me again when last night everyone was finally all good with me . (See “Doctor’s appointment “)
Finally I proved it through as a positive. There was nothing whatsoever sexual about that moment. He is just a friend. I like him as a friend, and i wouldn’t want to offend. He is a rare one, he has always remained kind to me. There’s nothing all that serious about it. But I have been careful to refrain from wearing my heart on my sleeve, if i blew that last night it solved the larger problem of the harm that i did to my my son when he was very young. His best friend was a little black kid whose mother i befriended at the time when i was sexualizing Blacks after being very crazy on a psych ward where there were a lot of black staff, I thought i had been called to help black civil rights. But i was scared of the black men i was scared of my sexual feelungs, and i reacted badly, i was sexualizing everybody at this time but Black people were particularly vulnerable to the abuse. So while i wss befriending this wonan, at the same time I lusted after her (black male) partner. Then she was providing daycare to my son for just 20 dollars a week. It was a crazy situation. I have repented of various parts if it. I suffered seriously in the aftermath for offending this women by not compensating her adequately, she took it to the wall. I took her on a drive to ser her friends, she started yelling at me all crazy vabout the money, i didn’t even understand what she was saying, i got scared and dropped her off at a minute market saying “get out of the car.” She tried to grab my purse but i stopped her. I drove away and left her there. She was right of course.
After that her partner (they weren’t married and her son wasn’t his), was coming up to to my house, and there was almost a sexual moment, and THANK GOD, HE STOPPED IT, i wouldn’t have known how. He was a good man. He never came by again.
And that majes a clean slate.
I was seriously deranged at this time and it was unfortunate what went down. She capably destroyed myself and my husband, i can’t tell you how because it us too mortifying. We never got over it.
Now i see my son breaking free of the trap that that was for Him through my opening myself up to the reality of a simple friendship with a black soul, no insinuations, i am clear of this old habit of sin and will never return to it. I was lost in a wotld of sexual sin that affected my son in any number if ways and this was surely the worst, I’m so sorry.
The upshot: because if this bad situation in my life I came to live in fear. And i was abused by Blacks. 4 Black female nurses on a psych ward in Florida screwed up my blood pressure by refusing to give me my blood pressure meds even when my son had brought them in for me as asked. And here in PA i have been routinely made an example if for something I couldn’t help. I am not any “rule” of any white “kind”; I am a painful and unfortunate exception. And i have repented of my malfeasance. The upshot this evening is that i took the bull by the horns. An older black man who is generally reticent finally made his play tonight. He let another, older black man get in line ahead of him, which meant he got in line ahead of me too, and i felt that this was deliberate. Then another, young man came up to this short line, and there was the unspoken threat thst he was going to cut in ahead of me too. So when the first man was served I cut in–he had carefully moved to block me because he could see what i was getting ready to do; but i had a clear shot st the med window. I said, “since you gave him your place ill take your place” which didnt make any sense but it was clear what i meant. He smiled and let me in. So now I’m probably in trouble. I’ve seen enough if this. At the end if a long day a white, single disabled woman has rights too. Now im back in a fight. Oh shit.
I would be reassured that Barak Obama did some good if this could be reasonably resolved.
And, with God, it was.
The men gathered around me. One woman stood for me, or rather, sat beside me. A man forced his way between me and her. And the Lord rebuked me for the folly of picking this fight. But at the end of a long day he rebuked the entire smoking porch for holding me to it. I walked away from it, dispensing with my second cigarette. There is no reason I should hear further of it. And as for Blacks and sexuality, i turned sexual because of fear. Fear galvanized me to sexuality because that connection was established when my father tried to touch me when i was 17. I approached ALL men with sexuality, i had sex with them, someone said, before they could have sex with me. I noted this because I noticed how i felt fearless when taking a racial stance and i remember the charge I used to get. The sexuality wasn’t there any more but the galvanization by fear was still there, i got afraid on the smoking porch a little while before this whole incident went down, for unrelated matters. It’s late and I’m very tired. I don’t know what I will have to deal with tomorrow.
Stay by my side Jesus.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. ” 2 Timothy 1:7
So i guess the devil got into me there where Jesus found me. Praying…
The following evening
I wokeup full of trepidation this motning but ALL DAY LONG everything has fallen my way. Miss J, the driver and cook, said, “i dont know, she can do whatever she wants,” when one of the residents asked what i was doing when i walked past him without looking, on the way to the bathroom. This had been on the wax since i saw the doctor about the internal spasms on Wednesday and discussed with my casemanager my feeling that i should be over on the brain trauma wing.
So the animisity has been dropped. I missed 200 smoke break because i was asleep, exhausted, and nobody at 400 smoke break gave me a hard time. I will be keeping an eye out for troubke. But i an satisfied that i sm actually getting attention here: this pkace is for real: no b.s., so. yes, Barask Obama did an incredible thing, fairness, REASONABLENESS is served in a racial matter.
Its about two days later now. The issue is finally resolved. I got a little disoriented and they were able to get through to me. “Apologize!” So i went to his room and knocked on his door and he was there and i did. Apology accepted. Amen.
1 hr later
Evidently the apology was NOT accepted, well, that’s on him. I have more of a chip on my shoulder of mistreatment by blacks than any other white woman hes met so take a hike you ignorant bastard. This ones ready for prime tine. Its all of them. Theyre playing this out. I was in the middle of a desperate moment with my father when they called me out. Take a hike. Apology retracted.