Justice, Mercy

From a Christian song:  “let justice be served and then mercy win”

This works both ways in my family.  Im working on the sexual abuse.   39 years later, its finally out what really happened.  My father had put a gloss on it, and then they attached a barge to that:  weve been talking apples and oranges all these years.   Now all of a sudden the likely abuse when i was 13 is on the front burner.  It came out in the mental machinations surrounding our (unpleasant) coffee date yesterday.  When i flipped out on ny mother when i was 24, when they were undressing me, i asked accusingly, is this what you used to do to me when i was little?”  My mother said,  “It happened when you were thirteen.”  The criminal always confesses.   They already knew they were going to put me away for life for what i did.   It was the ultimate “domination,” my mothers worst fear, i kicked the living  shit out of her for about 30 seconds, i lost control of my body in a reaction to coming out of the overdose and the pain in tbe ICU.   To father it read as encroaching on his sexual domain.  He just stood there and watched.  That was the way Dr. P.R. back at the hospital read it, too,  and he dismissed me.  Dr. W. smoothed it over, but i had bought a bed at X-ville State Hospital for the foreseeable future.

So now its all coming out in the wash.  My mother took a beating for being insanely FRIGGING STUPID.  She was responsible for my being sexually mained for life.  I went down into the world of the state hispital because after what happened to my mind tbrough sustained sexual torture it was about the only place i could be.

Now i have firgiven my mother for the monster she became.  As for my father, i can only pray fir him.  He still means to harm me.

Still waiting on this, more later.  Staying home from the day program today.  Im too fragile to be there today.

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