Praying

The interracial incident continues to play out.  I see tbat i was feeling invisible, like a Black man does, see, “the Invisible Man.”  I would have tolerated it if it weren’t for the threat of a third Black man, a younger man with whom i frequently have trouble, threatening to cut in ahead of me too.  See the original post, “Mending Fencces with Black America.”  At that point it felt like a rape, and i panicked.  And stepped forward to assert my place, next in line.  Mr. E smiled at me,  a charming smile.  I don’t know him.  I don’t know what it meant.  I don’t  know how to interact with him, he is no longer invisible to me but i dobt know how to know him, now i notice hin everywhere i go.

When i went to his roon to apologize to him i felt like i was intruding on his privacy.  He put on the charming smile again but he clearly  didn’t mean it.  I thought he was angry. I wondered whether he accepted the apology.  I thought it was said on the smoking porch that i should apologize.  Maybe he expected more of me.  An educated white woman us supposed to know better.   Thats what it is.  I was thinking on the way to lunch that the problen is that i seek acknowledgement from Black men and women as well as white men and women alike,  i have terribly low self esteem, because of a  superiority-inferiority complex about American whites from growing up with British parents in America.  How am i supposed to explain this to an uneducated Black man?  The problem is with the  Whites.  Theyre the ones who don’t get it.  How an i supposed to explain it to them?  “Oh hello, my mother thinks shes better than you and my father has a chip on his shoulder fron growing up working class in England, here hes an unbelievable Narcissist egomaniac,  im troubled do you mind just passing me through?  no questions asked.

In addition to all this ny social IQ is my shoe size, with the OCD and  the assiciated sexual  dysfunction.

Oh Jesus,  is all i can think or say.  I leave it in His hands:  praying for Christs miraculous provision.  “Everything works together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them.”

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