Bad Patch

Hit a bad patch last night after calling my EX husband on his mothers death in 2001, which was the beginning if the end.  I was considered to be at fault for the blow up at the house in British Columbia, Canada, that plunged her  into death at that time in suspicion and gloom.  She was very ill.  I had just gone to a domestic violence shelter and made terrible accusations about ny EX.  Under thr curcunstances i shouldn’t have gone to her house but he insisted.  As part if the curcunstances of returning to the house in So Flo, from the Shelter, my EX and my mother and father had forced my doctor to force me to take lithium, known by my other providers to be a bad med for me.  My doctor was new and listened to my EX even though he himself had questioned whether he, my ex, would provide reliable information.  It was s fiasco.  I was forced to take lithium knowing it was bad fir me, and thr Doctor was RUDE.  My father rubbed his hands together:  Narcissistic revenge for the events of 1994 when i agreed to take lithium and then opted out if it when i keft the hospital, exercising my rights based on information provided to me by my nurse.   The attending physician had wounded my fathets ego and their gaining the confidence of a second attending physician on a new rotation to wound me with the desired diagnisis if manic depression, the “proof” being that i was to take lithium, was the cure for his ego

So moving up to 2001, the lithium “treatment” for everybody concerned was revisited.  The upshot:  my EX’s mother took the brunt of the stress when i suffered a paranoid blowup at the beautiful Christnas dinner she had provided for what was to be her last Christmas.  She died the next day.  I took the blane.  I WAS TAKING THE WRONG MEDICINE.

so yesterday i FINALLY brought thus up with ny exhusband.  The therapist who was at the heart of the conflict said to me “you killed his mother!” and used it as an excuse to terminate the relationship.  He treated me like a stalker and wouldnt take any calls.  All this took time.  I fell into a fantasy world about the therapist.  Finally i banished him from my thinking with the help of another therapist.  Just a little while ago, out of the blue, i looked him up online, and found him on facebook.  I was thrilled.  Then all the listings disapoeared  then yesterday his name and info came up spontaneously on my facebook site. Which i was checking because i had located another friend from Florida there.  So i googled him again and this time his info came up.  So i am no longer a stalker.  I have his name, address, and, phone number, and, incidentally, his age  which used to be a painful psych privilege tease in the relationship.  Yes, things got nasty.  But now its over.  Finally.  At this time i have no plan to contact him.

With all this in the background i came, as i have said at the outset, upon a bad patch.  I thought about all if the horrible moments in my relationshios with women.  Thus felt like a real show stooper abd world ender last night, when i was levelling those charges at ny Ex.  Who am i to say any thing to him?  But the smoke cleared and i saw, 1, the 1st and worst moments i can rhink of were just ordinary nasty and bad sin and the Lord gave me prayers of atonement to say; and 2; the rest if it revolved around the sexual damage from being kneed in the crotch by my brother.  This is true and for real.  I finally realize it.  I was spurned by female friends and in the end i shut them out because i didnt have normal feelings towards boys, and i had some abnormal feelings towards girls, and i didnt understand any of it.

My EX saud he wants a normal wife.  I guess thats his prerogative.  But a little forgiveness is in order.

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