Well i went to sleep immediately after an awesome smoke break last night. I quietly held my place. “Sit tight” i heard my sons voice saying to me in my mind over and over. “Youre the same as anybody else.” I went to the sexual malfeasance i threw off of myself from back in the early 90s, i wont revisit it here, but its a major relief and cleared my mind; and from that to the interracial conflict that has been highly present to me since Germantown, Maryland in 1995. I saw it all held together as in one long moment: the thrill and the agony, the help and the error, i let go of it and here i am, a white woman who thought she was black with a son who also imprinted on blacks, now in a post rehab residential program and also coning free, omg its a miracle.
Here they are trying to process me, im going on a home visit today and then leaving for good on Saturday. A black man was allowed to cut in front of me in the med line before breakfast. I was still in my pajamas and still guessing at my day. I latched on to a white woman nearby for a helping hand, something i would never have done before. The two staffers involved tried to punish me but no more am i a doormat and NEVER was i obligated to be one, “this song is over say goodbye.”
So its a little confusing today. My parents are in the mix and that inevitably makes things complicated. A day to get through but with high hopes.