Humdinger of a Day Today

Well i went to sleep immediately after an awesome smoke break last night.  I quietly held my place.  “Sit tight” i heard my sons voice saying to me in my mind over and over.  “Youre the same as anybody else.”  I went to the sexual malfeasance i threw off of myself from back in the early 90s, i wont revisit it here, but its a major relief and cleared my mind; and from that to the interracial conflict that has been highly present to me since Germantown, Maryland in 1995.   I saw it all held together as in one long moment: the thrill and the agony, the help and the error, i let go of it and here i am, a white woman who thought she was black with a son who also imprinted on blacks, now in a post rehab residential program and also coning free, omg its a miracle.

Here they are trying to process me, im going on a home visit today and then leaving for good on Saturday.  A black man was allowed to cut in front of me in the med line before breakfast.  I was still in my pajamas and still guessing at my day.  I latched on to a white woman nearby for a helping hand, something i would never have done before.   The two staffers involved tried to punish me but no more am i a doormat and NEVER was i obligated to be one, “this song is over say goodbye.”

So its a little confusing today.   My parents are in the mix and that inevitably makes things complicated.  A day to get through but with high hopes.


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