Like i said in my last post, zero tolerance for acting out sexually and acting out in general. I brought it up with my mother, the enbarassing outbursts, its happened three times. He jeers at me insanely if i bring up an issue with him, i dont even get a sentence out before he starts lambasting me, “oh this is your conspiracy theory again” (actually i needed to talk about something embarassing and he was way out of line). “Let her fight with herself” ( i was scared that he was mad at me over a comment i made about the book he just finished putting together and i was appealing to him for mercy, as i was on my way to the bankrupcty lawyer with my mother and was afraid of a backlash from them at the lawyers office. Its the kind of thing they would do, but i realize i was also being super paranoid but thats the point, he is an 84 year old man and you would think he would have some skills to hablndle allthis, im embarrassed to even write about it. The other time i went to him over an old issue, 35 years old, with a college roommate that just came back to mind because she recently published a note in the book that comes out every 5 years after never venturing to publish one before.i brought it to fathers attention when i apologized to him for the nasty comment about his book, i had a bad history with this roommate over a story i wrote about her that she unfortunately saw, that used very cutting language about her. I was disturbed at that time because my father had mentally and sexually abused me when i was 17, and when i got to Harvard (i didnt care any more that i was going to Harvard,) it turned out that her father, my roommate’s, knew my father WELL from early Silicon Valley days. It was over before it even started. When i went to him about this, after apologizing for the nasty remark i had made in light of being left out of the family and scapegoated, adding insult and further injury to the injury that happened when i was 17, and thats the sadism involved, he complained, “shes trying to involve me…” WHAT?
So just now i went to my mother about him, she came over here to the cottage wbere i stay to organize some of the junk and stuff thats gathered here, then i went over to rhe kitchen for lunch and she was there and my father was there and they got lost in a coversation and i wasnt listening and my mother couldn’t remember something she was trying to remember and we were all stuck at the same time and my son said to me in my mind “youve won” and my father was blocking my mother and then he started talking about the squirrel story that was a sensitive issue yesterday and i had to brace myself and then one of them said the word cut and they went with it and i got up and kept moving –“or else your dead” my sons voice said to me in my mind. I put my plate in the dishwasher. “It was cut” he said. I went outside to smoke . Then “To the cottage” my sons voice said to me in my mind, so i came back over here withiut another word to them, “not another word,” my sons voice said to me, and ive been over here for an hour now, and i got down on my knees to pray, and reassurance washed over me, “i won” i forgot about the rest, it went off of me, its just a silly game. Only i cant figure out exactly what i won or whether my mither was trying to help me or not.
As of yesterday (Sunday) im on my way to becoming a Catholic. I see the Sister on Wednesday for my first RCIA class. I think things will be becoming clearer to me as i move through the weeks and months of Catholic initiation. My father is incensed that i have made a move to formally join the Church. That has been his superiority over us in his mind, that he was a Catholic in his youth.
I occurs to me to be grateful to them for letting me stay with them because obviously its difficult for them both. But they also want help, it works both ways