Hell Month

April–Hell month–is finally over.  It spilled over into today:  i had the apex of Hell month on Monday, the 30th, wben i saw my lawyer in the morning, after doing bloodwork first thing, then a yearly appointment with my PCP to catch up on this Hell Year-and-a-half of continuous hospitalization+boarding home.  It was the 1s t time i had seen her since the suicide attempt.  Then i had three important phone calls.  Then i was on the computer in a panic for the rest of the day finally figuring out how to get a screen shot for something financial that the lawyer needed.

Tuesday i took it on myself to make public assistance applications and do a few other things online that i cant mention that took hours.

In the meantime im fighting with my mother all day lo g and trying to follow the presence of my son.  All day long im dealing with his cats, who i love but he controls them and also my mother demonically possesses them, so im constantly looking out for misplaced behavior, it drives me crazy.  Im always reminded that by  being kind to them im helping my son.  As a rule i wouldnt have a pet at this time in my life, but i dont mind taking care if them for now.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (today) i had appointments.  Now im kicking back and realizing its finally over.  The big push to get settled here is finished, the boundaries are more or less established, i have the mony i need.  My medical care is established.  My Catholic Education has begun and i have been welcomed at the Catholic Church.  It all took a month and 5 days.  It has been scary and it has felt dangerous but the Lord has been with me and he wouldnt leave me here without a plan.  He has taken over my waking up, which became treacherous on the extended acute care unit for 8 months:  vital signs  6 am meds breakfast menus and meds:  hurry up and wait  oh, and bloodwork.

Here i can sleep in, or set an alarm.  But the cats want to be fed.  Here its pets, smoke  tea and lay out my meds, it all depends on me.

Ill let God help me take it step by step.

Holy blessed name of the Lord

Then during the rest of the day first there are early morning prayers first thing. But after i smoke.  Then, the Rosary during the day, then stretches from my physicsl therapist, now, as of today’s appointment, a ten minute breathing exercise.   Then 8 to 9 cigarettes spread out through the day.  This is the really big thing.

I actually have broken the smoking habit

I smoke outside only, 1 every 1 1/2 hours.  I dont desire any more.  The 8 months on the acute care unit broke me.  Its beautiful.  I am in possession of my life again instead of in possession if a pack of cigarettes.  That was my first prayer request when i went to the Catholic radio prayer request line in South Florida.  To be able to quit smoking.  In the meantime everything else has gotten answered and now all i really want is Jesus .

In the mean time my whole fay is filled up with OCD but in the LORD there is the promise of redemption and that he will lead me out of it or to somewhere, its all going on as we speak.



Continuing prayers for me and my son.

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