I remember despairing down in St. Petersburg, Florida, when i heard somebody say on the radio they just had to “lose weight and quit smokimg.” Thzt was what it came down to.
I dont want to dismay my reader with a report of my weight except to say that for a long time it has been quite high. After my son was born i got put on some crazy bad weight gain meds and put on 50 pounds. Twice i lost the weight and then put it back on again. Twice it shot up over 200 and i couldnt cut my toenails. My son had a fat mom. It drove me crazy. I was in unreality over it. I had been crazy into dieting when i was young, my mother started me on it when i was 12 and chubby, the doctor told her that if i went into puberty chubby id stay that way. So instead, i went into puberty dieting and i stayed that way. My weight was always up or down, never the same. It was a problem, an obsesession, it was OCD.
Anyway, my weight has been creeping down for months and i havent really noticed but all of a sudden i made the connection: at the extended acute care unit i was broken of the cigarette addiction, there was just no way out of it, and now the weight is going: im turning Catholic! Jesus is doing this for me.
So at a certain point you get your priorities in order and thats what it comes down to: lose weight and quit smoking.
Im keeping busy, working nerves and musckes and sinews that havent been exercised in 30 years. I weigh 161. Im worried that when it comes down to it i wont be able to STOP losing weight. I have to trust that its a positive process and that it really is Jesus working in my life.
Meanwhike everything else is coming out in the wash. I was afraid to pray for weight loss, it was too painful an issue. No natter what i did the weight just wouldnt go. My mother was heavy throughout my youth and i hated how she let that harm things. Finally i accepted the weight and this was liberating. The Hollwood ideal was silly in the end. I just went to shave my legs in my mother’s shower so that i can wear a dress to church tomorrow, which brought an association of weight loss with sexuality– the scale is in her bathroom, thats where i had just weighed myself. But, my ex-usband told me not to tell (lol!): sex with a wonan who has a little weight on her frame feels good.
