My Weight

I remember despairing down in St. Petersburg, Florida, when i heard somebody say on the radio they just had to “lose weight and quit smokimg.”  Thzt was what it came down to.

I dont want to dismay my reader with a report of my weight except to say that for a long time it has been quite high.  After my son was born i got put on some crazy bad weight gain meds and put on 50 pounds.  Twice i lost the weight and then put it back on again.  Twice it shot up over 200 and i couldnt cut my toenails.  My son had a fat mom.  It drove me crazy.  I was in unreality over it.  I had been crazy into dieting when i was young, my mother started me on it when i was 12  and chubby, the doctor told her that if i went into puberty chubby id stay that way.  So instead, i went into puberty dieting and i stayed that way.  My weight was always up or down, never the same.  It was a problem, an obsesession, it was OCD.

Anyway, my weight has been creeping down for months and i havent really noticed but all of a sudden i made the connection:  at the extended acute care unit i was broken of the cigarette addiction, there was just no way out of it, and now the weight is going:  im turning Catholic!  Jesus is doing this for me.

So at a certain point you get your priorities in order and thats what it comes down to: lose weight and quit smoking.

Im keeping busy, working nerves and musckes and sinews that havent been exercised in 30 years. I weigh 161.  Im worried that when it comes down to it i wont be able to STOP losing weight.  I have to trust that its a positive process and that it really is Jesus working in   my life.

Meanwhike everything else is coming out in the wash.  I was afraid to pray for weight loss, it was too painful an issue.  No natter what i did the weight just wouldnt go.  My mother was heavy throughout my youth and i hated how she let that harm things.  Finally i accepted the weight and this was liberating.  The Hollwood ideal was silly in the end.  I just went to shave my legs in my mother’s shower so that i can wear a dress to church tomorrow, which brought an association of weight loss with sexuality– the scale is in her bathroom, thats where i had just weighed myself.  But, my ex-usband told me not to tell (lol!): sex with a wonan who has a little weight on her frame feels good.

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