Horse

Im finally getting it all figured out.  My life in my family since i was 28 years imd has been dictated entirely by tbe death if my sister’s horse.  This is exactly as crazy as it sounds.  They got a backhoe to BURY HER ON THE PROPERTY.  (The horse, not my sister.)  (Did i mention we draw water here from the ground?)  The horse was a pretty, grey, Arab mare, she was 20 or 21.  My sister had a little girl fantasy relationship with her, she wanted to breed her even though she was so old and had never foaled before.

As i write i see the part of this i didnt see then.  I was living here with them, my sister had gone away to college leaving her horse here.   I was sardonic, diseased, fresh out of the state hospital, crudely damaged.  They were muddling around, my mother and father, not knowing what to do.  I gather gave them the common sense advice NOT to show up in MASSACHUSETTS (we are un PA)  unannounced without stopping for dinner.  So they went to Friendlys and had a nice time.  Then they called her and told her and she was hysterical i gather, i was in my little room without a door and my mother came in, said sonething–I dont remember what, and turned on her heel and walked out.  She hasnt stopped punishing me and siding with my sister ever since.  Its been 32 YEARS.

I remember that when we (my ex and i) came back from Callornia) i couldnt figure them, i knew there wss something in the pipeline thst i wasnt getting and THIS IS WHAT IT WAS.  I had a sick baby and was sick myself and needed all kinds of help.  My brother was on this crazy/desperate project if building his own house in the Hamptons.  So my sister got shot in the foot by a mentally ill man outside a club in the city near here and guess who got frozen out? It is literally making me sick to my stomach to remember all this.

Ive been living in a dream all this time.   My mother punished me.  I had a mother cat and her four kittens.  After the mare died, my mother sent one of the (grown) kittens to the back road.  Sbes uncanny like that.  He got killed.  “He’s been missing for 3 days” she said to me.  The next day she told me she had found his remains on the road. She looked at  me quizzically.  It hit me very badly and i git stuck on it.  She let it sit there without an iota of comfort and she knew exactly what she was doing.  Then i met my ex husband: a Scottish  man from the Clan of the Cat.  Thus has other “cat” antecedencies that i wont go into here but in tbe end all I need to know us that Jesus saves and she didnt need to hurt  me and my SON that way.

This is one piece of fabric in a larger clorh that is sowly unfolding. Ther was a knot in the weave from 31 years ago that was marring and stopping things that has finally come undone (through incessant prayer.)

Allelujah!

Amen.

So anyway my sister acted like an unbelieavable smartass to me during my state hospital days when i was desperate, i forgave her for this but i wasnt disposed to protect her about her horse,  where was their common sense in handling this situation?  It eould be nice if i could say that my heart was a stone and that i didnt have any feelings back then and it took me all this time to learn, but i dont see them meetung me half way.  What about their behaviour towards me, the little girl who was handicapped becasuse of being kneed in the crotch by my brother? What about me, who had to run away to college because i was afraid to be at home with my father?

And the beating.  My mother got hurt.  WHAT ABOUT ME?

Did nobody even for a moment think to go back and inquire WHY that young woman on tbe gurney in the ER was kicking the air and screaming her lungs out uncontrollably?  WHAT ABOUT ME?  I almost died.  All rhey saud was, “You assaulted your mother.”  Which wasnt true.  It wasnt an assault.  It wasnt an asssult.  That’s not true.  It was a lie.  My faher lied.  Im sorry Mom.  I didnt mean to hurt you.  I got hurt myself.  Nobody knew.  Now i know.  Now everybody knows.

Allelujah.

Amen.

 

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