Here it is

Heres the score card on the reunion.  My ‘rents have taken me off my college bf’s hands.   After all these years!  I fled from my father into this young fellows enbrace, he took advantage a little (whipped cream, cocaine, and trips to the erotic bakery in Greenwich village.(  But oh my wasnt he a romantic, dozens of red roses and foot and a half high Valentines cards.  Dinner at the sweetest spots all iver Manhattan.  What a sweet romance.  And oh how cold the world was when it was gone.  Im crying a little for it even now in my heart; but i knew not to hold that fellow back; he had a bright future ahead of him and i was a mess.  Im sorry that i did hold him back to an extent.  Finally he us free.  I woke up in the middle of tbe night, Sarurday to Sunday, to his tears. Tears of a lifetime.   “All my life!” he cried, and it was about ne.  I cant tell the whole story, its too personal.  I couldnt bear the pain.  I couldnt get up right away because if the medication i take at bedtime.  It knocks me out.  I lay there fighting the medication and finally at 4 a.m. i got up snd made coffee.  At 7 in the morning, Sunday morning, knowing i had Church to go to, i logged into the university alumni website where i had contacted hin once befire fairly recently, i was afraud i would have to wait for hin to give permussion to be contacted, but no, u was able to send him a message directly.

I told him i still loved him, and said a few other things that were extremely important.  Hes married of course, with a very successful career and 2 daughters to protect.

So in the aftermath, my parents are involving themselves in this situation as i go to send him another letter and realize i should not–and wont–and in my mind my parents intercede and my son says to me, in ny mind, they’re supposed to, and, even as i write this post i am suffering from a gltch in my thinking, the kind of thing that makes me crazy, a touch of  a fold in my sleeve i think it was that send my thoghts skittering, i HATE  this and now im remembering the pain of tbe loss of that relationship.  At the tine it felt like i couldn’t go on and i got  CONFUSED because of bad therapy. And mixed up and thought the pain was forever and not survivable.  Oh God and here i am at the age of 56 fuguring this out.  There wete OTHER REASONS that i  wasnt   surviving that had nothing to do with the relationship.  I had to go back to facing the sexual abuse all alone after having rhe boyfriend for a comfort, i told rhe parents to piss off.  I was young and stupid.  Then i had to go back to them.  Meanwhile i was horribly sick and strained from how id been living my life, booze, coffee, cigarettes, sex, bulimia; and i had noone to turn to;  i had burned my bridges.  It was a dangerous situation and i was not equipped with any moral or spiritual understanding to guide me throught it.

 

I see now all the beginnings and endings of relationships playing out through ny life (before my marriage) separately from all rhe things in which they were intertwined

Well i have to sign off this post because my thoughts are jamming.   My guiding lights tell me to go ahead and post it:  its an opening door.

 

 

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