Heres the score card on the reunion. My ‘rents have taken me off my college bf’s hands. After all these years! I fled from my father into this young fellows enbrace, he took advantage a little (whipped cream, cocaine, and trips to the erotic bakery in Greenwich village.( But oh my wasnt he a romantic, dozens of red roses and foot and a half high Valentines cards. Dinner at the sweetest spots all iver Manhattan. What a sweet romance. And oh how cold the world was when it was gone. Im crying a little for it even now in my heart; but i knew not to hold that fellow back; he had a bright future ahead of him and i was a mess. Im sorry that i did hold him back to an extent. Finally he us free. I woke up in the middle of tbe night, Sarurday to Sunday, to his tears. Tears of a lifetime. “All my life!” he cried, and it was about ne. I cant tell the whole story, its too personal. I couldnt bear the pain. I couldnt get up right away because if the medication i take at bedtime. It knocks me out. I lay there fighting the medication and finally at 4 a.m. i got up snd made coffee. At 7 in the morning, Sunday morning, knowing i had Church to go to, i logged into the university alumni website where i had contacted hin once befire fairly recently, i was afraud i would have to wait for hin to give permussion to be contacted, but no, u was able to send him a message directly.
I told him i still loved him, and said a few other things that were extremely important. Hes married of course, with a very successful career and 2 daughters to protect.
So in the aftermath, my parents are involving themselves in this situation as i go to send him another letter and realize i should not–and wont–and in my mind my parents intercede and my son says to me, in ny mind, they’re supposed to, and, even as i write this post i am suffering from a gltch in my thinking, the kind of thing that makes me crazy, a touch of a fold in my sleeve i think it was that send my thoghts skittering, i HATE this and now im remembering the pain of tbe loss of that relationship. At the tine it felt like i couldn’t go on and i got CONFUSED because of bad therapy. And mixed up and thought the pain was forever and not survivable. Oh God and here i am at the age of 56 fuguring this out. There wete OTHER REASONS that i wasnt surviving that had nothing to do with the relationship. I had to go back to facing the sexual abuse all alone after having rhe boyfriend for a comfort, i told rhe parents to piss off. I was young and stupid. Then i had to go back to them. Meanwhile i was horribly sick and strained from how id been living my life, booze, coffee, cigarettes, sex, bulimia; and i had noone to turn to; i had burned my bridges. It was a dangerous situation and i was not equipped with any moral or spiritual understanding to guide me throught it.
I see now all the beginnings and endings of relationships playing out through ny life (before my marriage) separately from all rhe things in which they were intertwined
Well i have to sign off this post because my thoughts are jamming. My guiding lights tell me to go ahead and post it: its an opening door.
