Its over.  I didn’t go.  Im as sorry as anything.  Even God is mad at me.  He say i could have asked him to change His mind.  He told me the better choice was not to go.  We even had a rehearsal about this over an entirely different, much smaller question. Whether to take a shower or not when i kinda didnt want to even though i was really dirty.  He said dont.  But i couldnt bear how gross i felt so i did anyway and i worried about it but the Lord said it was okay.  Sister Marie didn’t get this, she said “im glad you showered!”  But there was a reason for it.  To show me that it isnt always obvious the WHY of what the Lord wants us to do.  I went through long periods of my life when i wasnt showering much, inluding much of my childhood, and sometimes not showering in the present puts me in touch with those past times.  I had three ctitical counseling sessions in a row that week.  My mother is British.  She ALWAYS only ever showered about every 4 days.  My father had to shower every day, he had a professional job.  So it isn’t strictly the “no-brainer”it seems whether i should shower or not.

As for going to the reunion, i thought it was a no-brainer once he showed me the part where he was giving me a choice and he showed me the better way was not to go.  I was forgetting that He allowed me to change it, about the shower.  He says to me today that he was EXPECTING me to ask Him to change it.

Now  EVERYBODY is mad at me (except maybe my ex husband) and im clinging to this long boring post rather than let go and realize its long gone, im not going, its over.  And the Lord says its OKAY, you didnt WANT me to change my mind, thats all you had to SAY.

Stupid all thumbs falling all over myself myself for  causing everybody so muvh trouble, begging rhe Lord to see me through all the the deep serious kaka that this situation churned up, praying for a little healing here and whispering thank you, God.


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