Safety

51 years later, its finally hitting.  Im going to have to rework my book.   I noted yesterday on the last page of the printout if the manuscript, “i just realized that Tracey T (not her real name) was the breaking point of the ectopic pregnancy.”   A short while later i found my way to tbe ER in Reading to get help me with the stress my parents were subjecting me to.  Today i tealized that it WAS them; but also my ex husband.  He must be gettig hit by the bankruptcy folk.  He owes me 40K.  I havent tangibly heard from him but i sense a revolt in my thoughts.  I thought be would understand because of the crazy rrstraining orders against me that permitted me to live at home and rhe other messrs created by having to submit to my parents authority when my father had sexually abused me and my mother was over the top ALL MY ADULT LIFE  because she got hurt by me becausr i lost physical control after the overdose and i harmed her.  I couldnt have been sorrier but nobody cared.  They could at least have had the decency to leave me alone after that but their vanity caused them to force me into a continuing relationship.

So my ex walks into the situatiin and what do they do?  They lie.  Of course!  And thats all they have  done ever since.  And now, finally, the shit is hiting tbe fan.  Even as i sense my husbands uncomprehending anger–i just sent him a Father’s Day card, and now im going after him for money?–i sense that he is aware as these moments are going down here, God has me, and they cant pull rhe wool over ny eyes any more.  Theyve used me and CREATED my illness to cover over a lot of things but at the heart of it is a TWOFOLD PROBLEM,  thats what i could never get.  My mother has BOTH a mental illness, starting when she was 24, as she told me when i was going through a crisis at 21; AND the ectopic pregnancy at 27.  Thats what i could never get.  Shes been such a monster all these years and now im  calling her on it.  Its both of them working together.  She has had my father through fear.   But i have no sympathy for him whatsoever, hes plighted his troth and stands by it.  Good riddance.

They used me when i was a young woman by manipulateing me into a situation in which u “reflected” this bizarre compkex, the mental illness + the lingering psychological harm from the ectopic pregnancy.  I was terrified of her at that time.  All i could say to people was that i thought she was “neurologically deficient” like her younger brother, who died in a state mental hospital in England when he was 50.

I escaped whith my EX.  Now im rethinking the marriage, which resulted in only one (wonderful) child, and ended in divorce, in light of this new perspective, i can see how they involved me BEFORE and UNTIL i met my ex but i will have to wait to understand how it played out in all the horrific problems we lived out in the marriage.   The main thing right now is to stay safe here.  The LORD led me here to post, praying.

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