Partial Hospital Program

The sleeping continued after my last post and the following Sunday–a eeek and a day ago–i went to the ER in Reading again.  I was feeling desperate about the situation with staying here in my parents home.

All that has changed.  The social worker at the ER turned me down for a bed but offered me a place in the partial hospital program, which provides treatment in a group setting in the morning and afternoon all week long usually for about two weeks.

So all if a sudden i was out of bed and driving 40 minutes each way every day starting Wednesday.  Then on Saturday when i was at home with some difficult issues to process, the worst happened first thing:  i took my nighttime medicines in tbe motning by mistake.  They knock me out completely for about 7 hours stating in about 20 minutes.  I called the doctor and at least was able to get proper guidance regarding the medications:  the doctor went over my psych meds and explained what to take when.  I was to omit the heavily sedating med in the evening so as to have the correct amount in a 24 hour period and take the small morning dose of that med in the evening.  The upshot was that the folliwing day, Sunday,  i was in bed all day with TOO LITTLE medicine n my system.  And today, Monday, with all rhe meds back on board, i was so rattled from the weekend that i called in sick to group and stayed in bed again till asbout 2.  But ive been up since then and i think ill get there tomorrow.  But it will be my last day.  I wasn’t doing  very well in the program and now im out.

I had to go with the punch on Saturday and accept that God did that for a reason, and it led me to a very healing place.  But i am afraid to trust it.  I feel like im in a hot air balloon and all rhe good connections will just fall awsy when i come down.

Im going to have to play it by ear at group, if i make it tomorrow, and hes aleeady covered that, if i dont make it tomorrow, then the next day.  Ill probably ask for more time.

Dear reader, pray for me, they did this to me in Reading 30 years ago, tbey denied me a bed on the psych ward and disliked me in tbe partial progrsm and i ended up back at the state hospital.  I saw them do it to others also.  I almost lost my life over it and did become permanently and complety disabled through the minor overdose that because of a UTI infection almost killed me through the pain of the  catheter in the ICU.  So here i am 32 years later to be precise.  Give or take a few months.  The PHOgrouo leaader rolled his eyes when i mentioned my alma mater so i will be taking in the 35th Class Report. (Im not in the Yearbook, so its always awkward.)

This is devastating.  Unconsciously ive been running away from it all my adult life and all along the problem lay a 40 minute drive from my patents home.  I couldn’t see it for the disorientation of flying down herr agasinst my will and ending up on the psych wzrd 3 days later.  They did finally admit me.  And i did have a perfectly good reason to be on rhe psych ward.  I had been taking my medicine improperly and my condition was DESPERATE and TERRIFYING.  Moreover it was impossible for me to stay at my parents home because my father had sexually abused me, and i was too fragile to live on my own.  The doctor noted my being fragile but didnt give a rats ass that there was sexual abuse in the family. We were new in town and that was simply too awkward and it did cone up and it was set aside.  Reading wss trying to put a new face on.  Theyre still doing it today.  In the ER i heard rhem saying i was “spoiled” –the rest i dont remember.  It was sickening.  I have a lower GI issue.  I have finally adjusted, after 15 years, to taking a suppisitory once a week to clear my system.  I have a sexual disability that noone even acknowledges and i have to be patient with a psych diagnosis.  I was deeply disturbed ss a lille girl and a young woman because of rhe sexual disability. My parents treated me as a nuisance and everybody else hated ME because of the demands my parents made on  them to put me forward or give me special help because i had a high IQ.  I have to live with the sexusl disability which makes my life impossible.  I had a dusabiliy before rhe overdose.  After the overdose, i was destroyed as a woman.

I am hopung and praying fir my husband to rescue me.  He is the only one who ever cared.  Its all that matters to me.  My son will be okay.  I need ti be in a safe place.  Dear God help me.

I have nothing else to say at this time.

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