Tuesday evening

I missed partial hospital again today but the group leaders okayed it as promised and, God willing, i will go tomorrow.  It was terribly stormy this morning and i felt weak in my groin from stress and laying in bed.  Now it is near time for bed and i am feeling much better.  I went rhrough it abd through it all day long, first with getting to a brighter place in my mind about the 4 days in bed, i understood tbe healing in it.  Then my mother let me know rhat my sister will be here tomorrow for an overnight stay.  That was what set off this partial hospitalization in the first place.  She was suppised to be here last Wednesday and the preceding Sunday i fled to the ER.  Im no longer ashamed to say that she scares me.  She has been given rhe upper hand over me in all situations, while at the same time i changed her diapers when she was a baby and carried her everywhere on my hip when we were both children.  She is 8 1/2 years younger.  I promised myself that i would take an honest look at the relationship–given my sexual disability and how it would have affected her.   But then she didn’t come and i forgot all about her in favor of looking at the same concerns in my relationship with my son.  There was some talk  in group about bullying and that seems to keep coming up and it came up at the department store in Flirida when i took my kid shopping– another kid got mad at me and said “shes so bossy.”  I have so much insane pain that it sometimes blinds me to normal feelings and i dont expect people to understand but now i realize my son might want me ti get some help with it.  I experienced some pretty bad negatives leaving group on Friday and more even early today but the Lord led me to stay open about this pain for me and for my son and by the end of the day i was feeling good about going back to group.  Laying in bed like that because of rhe accidental od on Saturday was a horrible atonement.  I could only lay there and think when i wanted to run away.  Then in Saturday i was still stressing.  I cant remember now all the places i went in my mind.  I think i talked about it a little in the last post called Partial Hospital Program.

As for my sister and my mother, that came up at the end of the day.  It was just too much.  I blew out of here in my floppy pants and floppy t shirt that i had been sleeping in on and off all day,  stinking becauae of the spit from the Clozaril.  It gives you too much saliva and at night you have ti spit into a towel all night long.  Its one of those bizarre facts of the psych world.  I am waking up all night long to spit.  But the medicine doesn’t hurt.  The other, “older” psych meds hurt.  They make you feel like you want to die.  I am so grateful for this medication.   I dont know how much its the Clozaril and how much its the quitting smoking but a whole new life has opened up for me in the time since the overoverdose in 2016.  Slowly im piecing my thoughts back together from decades of random associations becsuse. of mental OCD.

Anyway my mother is interfering even as i am writing this, my mind went to her and sbe was trying to grab the opening to pass off some bullshit thats the way it goes here.  A monemt presents itself and you sense it and play your card, nobody believes it but this goes on with them all day and night long.  They have been stalling for about 4 minutes as i went back to edit.  My ex husband when we first met used to say it was like a dance here, the way everybidy interacted.  NUMEROUS TIMES recently i have veen aware of my fatber processing something in secrecy in the middle of the night or at an off time during the day when suddenly i become aware of him.

 

I have some things that i would like to say about my sister and 32 years ago that  the Lord is telling me to hold off on.  The post has been usurped  by this business of my father believing that life is a game, thats what ge used say, now hes a lot more serious, a dogmatic atheist .  “Poor man.”  Thats what Sister Marie says.

So i took him the 800 page Catechism she gave me.  I dint know whether he was just being polite or whether he was genuinely curious but he said be would take a look at it.  It put a hold on everything for the night as farvas i am concerned.

Its late and i am tired and i am going to bed.

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