Waiting on a call from an old friend.
Made it to church today and it was very good. Recently i have been saying that if only i could have turned to religion instead of the psych world when i was young id have been much better off. And thats how i felt today. Like i was bringing myself and my faith and TRUST to the church where it belongs. Its a beautiful church. The Monsignor gave me a beautiful smile on the way out.
So at home i have to face my mother and father. There has been a huge power struggle going on here. My mother called on my sister and she came from Western PA on Wednesday through Thursday midday. They got really mean with me and ive been picking up on BULLYING since listening to a spot on Christian radio it last week and thats exactly what they were doing to me and what they have been doing for a vey long time. Right in front of my eyes. I used to go away in my mind on command. Because if my sexual disability. It was so infuriating to see my spoiled little sister doing it, i changed her diapers. Well in the course of the recent struggles here i can say one thing that my mother has accomplished. My little sister has lost the benefit of the doubt with me. She has lost the relatiobship. So keep it up granma, you’re batting a thousand.
Now im waiting on an ominous dinner, this time i figured it ahead of time, they will drop some kind of bombshell on me. I had a clear win today through getting out of bed and making it to church. And i go back tomorrow for baptismal counseling (RCIA.)
So my friend from high school will be calling about our plans togethet this week. Also i have to remember what was said in church: “He has chosen us for salvation. Whom shall we fear?”
I think i have talked here about retroactive emancipation and last night i saw that and how it would work and it was beautiful. The hurt and confused little girl i was was pulled away from her, what a monster, who hated on me for my problem.
Unfortunately the issue of money came up at church because i didnt really have enough even to give them a few dollars, but i did anyway, and that is coming from THEM. The Lord is telling me that there is grace for that. Then when i came back from Church i went over there (to their side of the house) and got a hundred dollars from her for the trip to see my friend. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. I was rubbing it in that she was the one with the plank in her eye, i had only the mote. The Lord made me clear about that. That is in regard to the argument involving her and me and my sister. So pay up. I was asking her to honor a way old obligation. I just went over there and she is clearly trying to get out of it. She will go to rude blasphemy and coarse humor about my condition to put my sister or anyone else ahead of me to try to keep me in a suffering mode whenever and however she is able. Somewhere along the way she got that reaction and like a spoiled child she wont give it up. She gets attention that way.
Really it is shocking. I have a disability. Like a child she approached it with mockery and cruelty. And u always accepted that from her and returned love. Retroactive emancipation. I have the Church. and the LORD.
The Lord tells me i have the power to get this under control.
Im understanding that my mother is very jealous that i am younger and at a stage where i have new things going on and she isnt in a very good place. Tberes a lot to look at here. Im not inclined to be sympathetic because i dont appreciate her tactics for getting sttention and SHE doesn’t give me the benefit of the doubt for my disability, shes rude about it.