Im thinking about it. Im remembering being lost along a highway in NJ when i was 16. With a heavy backpack and no map.
Taking a ride from a man in a van. I could have been killed.
* Let me out of the car.” I said. And he did. On an offramp into a small town neighborhood. A older man picked me up in his station. Wagon and took me ro his house down rhe street. His wife was there. They tried to find out who i was and where i was going but i just told them i was meeting my friends at my school. (I was attending boarding school Connecticut. I was part if a code.) Now i realize my mother was FURIOUS with me. They gave me some money and took me to the bus station. I took rhe bus to the Port Authority in NY, which i was familiar with from frequent travels back and forth to school. I stayed rhe nightb there and the next bus didnt leave until the following morning.
That was another whole story. I sat with a large Black woman, homeless i guess, all night long, she didnt seem to mind. Sbe helped me with some homeless kids who were trying to talk to me. I showed them my book and she said they dont want to see that.” Ginally they left. In the morning a black man who was a pimp came up to me and started talking to me, showed me photographs of his girls. He found me curious. He said “black men have bigguh dicks.” I didnt know what to say to that. Finally he said, “do you believe in God?” and i said “my parents are atheists” and he finally left me alone. I got on the bus and went up to school in Connecticut, where they treated me for poison ivy and let me stay in the alumni huest house for a week. There was a young male Manhattanite staying there who was supernice and of course not the slightest hint if impropriety.
I was proud of myself aftet thst. Not o so many words i claimed superhuman status through my disability; the van driver was more scared of me than i was of him. And the pimp wss similarly “nonplussed.” My mother nevet saud a word to me. She sent me away on vacation to the lake on my own, the son of the couple that ran the place and tbe waiters and waitresses took care of me.
I didnt mind so much about ny didability so much after that. I was on a supercharged high. And my mothet was FURIOUS. Basically i had achieved “escape velocity:” in my own way i had finally discovered SEX. MY MOTHER WAS FURIOUS. and then my father abused me.
New Years Eve 1978-1979. My own personal Gounf Zero
The solution , i have it now 39 years layer, retroactive emancipation. Retroactive to age 16. So it doesn’t hurt what he did
Ill pick up the pieces of my life out of that crazy 39 year mess the best that i can without regard to harm to them and theirs except as it affects me and mine.
Thank you Jesus for finding me and leading me to the Jesus prayer and the prayer of Mary our Lady of the Mraculous Medal.
Ill leave it at that for right now. Right now i cant see in front if me.
Oh now im remembering the college years, when my fatber was instructing me as to how to teact when he told me, standing there in my bathing suit, “you have a beautiful body.” Well i guess it was better than if be said i was a disgusting piece if shit but it had about the same effect.