Red alert

I funalky “have* the situation here.  I was a disciplinary problem for both my mother and my teachers when i was a girl.  I was emotionally blind and non-responsive, progressively dull and insensitive because if the being kneed in tbe crotch.  I was a pervert.  But i was extremely imtelligent.  My father, who had his own issues, defended and protected me in ways that did not do well for me with my mother.  She was, as i have said, the “little English secretary,” her friends were mostly college grads. My father was somewhat abusive about her intelligence, she is actually very  bright but if she wanred a college education she should have gotten one.  Instead she ground her axe on me all my life long and her friends helped her.

But if only someone woukd have paid attention to her sbe had a legitimate gripe wuth me.  I was acactually DESPERATE  for help.  Although what she has is FAKE, she has lived by it all her life and doesnt want to give it up.

No im not a bizarrely resistant mental patient whi just needs to “accept” that she us mentally ill.  No sorry.  Not for 35 years.  I have a serious psychosocial disability through a damaged nerve in my private area. Its terribly unfortunate but if somebody had only recognized the problem, ir even admitted rhat therevwas one. urely ANYTHING would be better than what happened.  If soneone would recognize it NOW that would supply considerable relief.  My current doctor is always quick to pipe up about my MENTAL disability.  Well yes after all these years in the psych world with a misunderstood disability and poorly supervised and unsupervised medication i have been deranged during parts of my life, and at the beginning i had one shot, talking to  s CHILD PSYCHIATRIST at age TWENTYONE when i had gone 3 days without sleep.  none of his questions had anything to do with anything i was experiencing.  I was so desperate to be talking to a doctor but he wasn’t helping.  I took tbe medicine anyway in despair.  6 years later in Clear Lake City, Texas, after the debacle in Pennsylvania, a doctor asked the right questions.   I said, please,  not another shot at the diagnosis.  He said, confidently, partial complex seizures.   He said he would almost go so far as to stake his reputation on it.  He mentioned the possibility of a presumptive diagnosis, saying you can never prove the absence of seizures, only the presence.

Then my husband lost his job and we had to leave town.

I had to carry this doctors message with me tbrough the years  i had sleep deprived eegs and never was sble to prove that i had oartial complex seuzurs but could cling to rhe fact that there were bizarre facts about my illness–the presence of convulsions after i took the overdose in PA snd went to tbe state hospital; the extreme OCD that developed over time, the fact that the one medicine that kept me out of the hospital iver time was the anti seialzure medicine, supposedly given for mania but it had a profound effect.

That little girl with the busted vagina needed help and didnt get it so she became a grown woman with a twice broken crotch (the second time was in the ICU in Pennsylvania when i took the overdose at 24.)  Finally i am poised ti get some help.  As i saud it would help if my dictor TODAY would ackniwledge the actual condition in its various parts.  He is grossly physically disabled, i say grossly, to contrast the subtely of my physical disability.  I just look like im very beat up fron being in the psych systrm for so long.  I dont know him very well, but he literally laughed at me when i saw him last week and complained about my parents.  Im not sure how to take him.  The scheduling secretary DID get me in in 2 weeks this time when last tine she couldnt get me fir 3 weeks wben he said 2.

So i am seeing now sometimes it us healthy for me to be in a little bit of uncertainty.  In all honesty the uncorrected, disabled me was a little bit if a pig and it realky didnt help her to be protected from correction and it doesn’t help my son either.

Signing off now:  i am lifting this whole post up as a prayer to St. Joseph, i will pray the Memorare to him when i put the phone down.  I should mention that this post cane out if a complaint about my mother putting my sister forward at my expense and no i will not tolerate that ny mither WILL have to make the appropriate adjustments to this “Blessed relief scenario. ”  (Thats from yesterdays posting.)  There is plenty for her to gain through it.  Unfortunately there is nuch for my sister to lose.  She grew uo on false pronuses over a characterization if me that was cruel and fallacious .  She stands to do better wirh the real truth but it is a change in tbe status quo, there were rights she thought she had where there are some obligations also that nobody ever nothered to notice.  I hate to say it  but its sort of like the movie “Tbe Rain Man” about a deeply autist man and his younger brother, who diesnt findbout aboit his disabked brithers existence until his father dies when he is in his 20s.

Well that was a gruelling post.  But one of the most important i have written.

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