Fat

omg.  Ive gained 3 lbs.  I’ve been steadily losing for a year and 9 months, a pound here, a pound there.  Two months ago I hit 157 (I started out at about 206.)  And I had a bad feeling about it.

A month ago I weighed in at 157 again, no bad feeling this time.  But now I’m up to 160, so the reliable downward trend appears to be over.

I am terrified.

I was a “scared thin” person all my life.  My mother put me on a diet when I was thirteen because my pediatrician told her I would be fat all my life if I was fat when I hit puberty.  I was chubby.

Well her efforts were misplaced.  I just got a complex about dieting and my weight, which was something she had a complex about on her own behalf.

Then it got mixed up with HER feelings about my father’s sexual abuse of me.  I was guilty as charged for being young and thin and attracting his attention.

In the end it was the medication.  I never had a serious weight issue until I took psych meds, then I started to hit 150 at times, finally after my son was born I was put on a HUGE does of Depakpote and Stelazine and I put on 50 pounds in about 6 months.  And I never saw “thin” again.  People thought I was pregnant.  I used to say my body was mimicking pregnancy because my pregnancy with my son was the happiest time of my life.  My stomach was huge.  I was around 180 for years, that was my new stable weight, but then I started moving up the scales to 200, I maxed out at 206 two different times, I lost most of the weight twice and then gained it back again both times.

This time was different.  I am on a Clozaril, a weight gain drug, which didnt seem to be affecting me.  Also Topamax is a weight loss drug as I remember.  But I don’t see anything about that online.  I think I lost 20 pounds on it when I took it years ago.  This time I steadily lost 50 pounds little by little, and I wasn’t questioning it, it seemed to be too good to be true and now I don’t know what to do.  My appetite has become strong and I am constantly wanting to eat.  This is what happened when I gained the weight back before but I don’t remember even noticing that I was gaining the weight back.  Oh dear God I do’nt want to be fat again, I don’t mind if I don’t lose any more weight I just don’t want to be fat again.

My ex’s sister weighed over 300 pounds, she joinned OA, Overeaters Anonymous.  He got extremely fat also.  There’s an out-of-control element here.  I laughed at her when we first met because I was so nervous about meeting her, she was a camera woman for CNB, Canadian National Broadcasting, and I was so intimidated; and then I couldn’t help smiling because she was so big and later she talked about her weight as a “stain.”  I thought, that’s a mighty big stain.  Because of this she has had a secret control over us through all our days together, I suddenly realize.  Poor woman.  Poor us.  Her brother was all she had.

In the meantime I am my older brother’s sister and I took it from his ex-wife for years.  And part of it was for being fat!  She is a physical therapist and totally into fitness.  They divorced.  He got fat!

This all goes back to my mother.  For her everything is to kill over.  She would kill over her weight issue as over just about anything else that’s a problem.  I remember standing in the changing room with her and her friend when I went clothes shopping with her and her friend at an outlet shore when I was in college.  “Look at her flat stomach,” they kept saying.  Actually i was always worried that my stomach wasn’t flat.  Even then, I had problems with constipation and I usually had a little bulge in my stomach and I never felt good.  I just ignored them.  My mother’s real issue was her lack of an education, her friend had gone to college, their picking  on me was a sacrifice on the altar of friendship.  After this, the woman went to the CHILD psychiatrist I had been referred to for medication, who I ceased with when I returmed to college;  she saw him for about 30 years.  He had given me the wrong diagnosis.

 

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