I never thought it could happen. Along with everything else going down today, the process of the abortion(s) has struck its final note.
I was driving home from late morning bloodwork, listening to Christian radio–thanking God that i got out of bed–and suddrnly i saw the road stretching out ahead of me and i was alone in a way that i hadn’t been in a very long time. It was the second abortive child gone from me, the one who has haunted me in inages in the backs of trucks, for one thing; when i am driving.
See the post Medjugorge: i experienced forgiveness from the abortions. Niw i am free to feel, where before everything was controlled and i was still clenching my abdinen for fear my son would push through the cervix–and i realized that i dont have to take care of that littke boy or girl any more. In fact, its rhe opposite. Its difficult to admit but obvious, that im not their best friend. With the first abortion tbere was a certain compassion, i know the child was desperately ill and might have been sone kind of monster. Im finally willing to admit that and even embrace it as God’s will. A sign of tbe times. I probably would have miscarried. If i had had helo–if i had trusted in God, if a doctor had been willing to see me, things might have turned out differently. As it was, i endef up with a SECOND pregnancy STILL before i was ready even then to have a baby snd this was one if those really bad abortions when you are just too lazy, selfish, and immature to be a mother ro rbe child that God gave you. Yes, she (or he? Its a lot worse if i think it might have been a boy) might have been handucapped from the medications but there was help aggressively pursuing me and i called it off.
So instead, end of story; i had the atonement child, my born son, and by that itme i was off the really bad med–actually by that time i had stopped both meds and cut back on smoking and coffee and it looked good for this child. And i was motivated, at last , by the fear of Hell through what i had experienced over the second abortion.
So today the second child was finally gone fron me. The forgiveness is proving through. I am ready to receive the letter BA CK from the aborted child that they call for in Project Rachel post abortion counseling. I never made it that far. I have sensed in mysekf at tines–and i have seen it in other women who have had abortions, that there is an edge, in an abortive woman that brings out dislike, i think it doesnt happen to all abortive women but to some. Its like sexual abuse victims, sometinea rhey feel like serial killers or orher tyoes of sociopahs. I had a rough time wirh all of this before the abortions and without the sexusk abuse, becasuse of my sexuak disability. So what a monster i am! But even as i tyoe i feel this sorting itself out, as i pull away from the deadlock ive been in of feeling responsible for rhe well-being of a chikd whose friend i am not–” let her go” The angels are crying and she is gone, gone, to soneone Whose loving hands are so wonderfully ,gentle and kind, and i love her and i an happy and i am forgiven.
Thats rhe compensatory pregnancy. I think i cane to terns with the original abortion a long tine ago. But im not sure. Check out the book: “California, a Pro-Life Novel”