So now that i have funally repented of the ENTIRE SIN of masturbation in my life, other, gentler sexual sins are presernt to me, from my childood–things that my mother should have corrected and didn’t . Tbey arose out of my disability, from being kneed in the crotch by my brother; and how it was impacted by rampant sexual inappropriateness in the family.
For instance, my brother played ” gear shift” with his penis sitting on the edge of his bed at night with my mother watching. I watched too. Another time at bedtime i sat in my room slightly banging my hea against tbe wall. It was always something. We took batbs together, shared a bed at hotels and motels even at age 14 and 15; and shared a bed during a large portion of childhood sumners because he ha;d a double bed and an air conditioner. Im not going to go into the details
I solved the problem with my brothrer by walking away. I havent talked to him in a decade, except for 1 Christmas dinner when my lower GI problen was an issue and it was horribly enbarrassing.
And my sister. I used to make her pretend to be a horsey on a longe line and one tine i was hitting rhe ground with a whip and she went inside and tokd on me and they never even acknowledged it. (“Let her stew in her own juices” they would have said if they even bothered to say anything at all. But they didn’t. Im not gong to go over violations of my friendshios. Ive realized that none of my childhood playnates were friends. They were just neighborhood kids who ny mother forced me on. She had a bad attitude towards me. She was frustrated by my inability ti make friends and took it personally. Maybe she got “feedback’ from neighbirs and school about my bad behavior oh God i becer thought of that; how horrible that she mighr have just never said a word. Recently ive thought, if only she understood that i had a disability it would have been different; but i dont go too far with that; they are so innature and Narcissistic. And what a disability.
Im wondering–about changing my psych provider– whether i am running because at the visit before i told her i was quitting she had acknowledged sexual abuse in thirty YEARS of “treatment” therapy” “counseling” nobody has said a WORD to me about it. It IS my whole complaint, over and above the physical–also sexual–issues.
Oh wow, this is a bug issue.
I need to take it to prayer.
Now im postng from on my knees, wondering where my mother has run to in the HOURS it took to pit up those two posts and i couldn’t stop. Im realizing, no, her whoke ” thing” was sexual liberation. A perverted little daughter did not figure in her future. Of course she knew. Her mentally ill brother provided the cover. He was in a state mental institution when i was still a young woman.
I have this.
Oh wow, this is bad. I watched how they cut out my uncle. They were doing the same thing to me.
Now my father is attacking.