I am way ahead of where i left off in my last post. I have put up a private post about repentance of the bad things IVE done and how Saran is fuelling my preoccupation with the faults of others against me to blind me to my own faults to keep me from repentance and make a fool of me as a Christian.
So, i will keep the really bad stuff private; there is LOTS AND LOTS of it.
But ill talk about the high school boyfriend who slipped his hanf into rhe back if my pants when he took me up to his dorm room and i wanted hin to touch me there more and he said “bad girl” or words to that effect. Becsuse of my crotch injury i had a hypersensitive bum. I remember excessively liking being dandled on my fathers knee. This was played out in college; ive written about it in anorrher post here: a maraudering break up case took advantage of my behind because i didnt have any protection and then tossed me out of his mother’s Greenwich Village brownstone and didn’t want to see me again. I liked it, and then got stuck with a boyfriend later on in life who wanted it that way every time. I felt that he wasn’t satisfied by regular sex with me and went along with it. In fact, he was abusing me.
The long and the short of it is that in later life, one way or another, my lower GI is seriously damaged.
During my 3rd and 4th suicide attempt, both overdoses, there was a problem because i couldnt pass the chemicals from my system because i was constipated. The 3rd time, I stayed delirious and i got brain damage. The 4th time they had me drunk charcoal and i simply couldnt pass it. It was horrifying what happened. My bottom was so badly distended that i couldnt really sit down. Finally i started pulling the bm out with my fingers, little by little, and this set off a bizarre psychological and physical reaction. I reakuze as u writecthatci am just biwv cinibg bacj. There was so much of it. I cant even describe what happened it was so bizarre but it paved the way for my 5th and, i pray, final, suicide attempt about a year and a half later. I got some serious attention for rhe 5th one and it was warranted.
So this very night while i struggked with an impossiblke bm (you never know for sure untik you get it out) i felt groggy and delirious after struggling on the toilet for an hour. Fina)ly i laid down. I had had a can of V-8, 2 cans of warmed prune juice, and as much water as i could take; u hadnt tajen any laxatice product today; i took enough yesterday and the day before.
The Lord said to me “youre sins are forgiven; you are healed.” And right away i got up and went to the toilet and immediately was able to go. I wont go into it. Now im caught between pricessing this unpleasant exoerience and rejoicing, i mean, does He really mean my lower GI condition is healed? At first i was assumng He just neantt a one tine thing. He has done that before, but i got an error message leading me to believe He meant no, He is really healing me of this horrible condition ive suffered since 2003. As uvwrite i think i sm understanding thst he isbtelling me rhst with prooer man agement m