Atonement

I could have sworn i recently posted about being attacked by flies but i dont find it here (oh, snap, i must have put it in my book and it was probably one of the things i took out in that careless edit.)

I am going through atonement after carelessly hurting my son just when i had finally, afer 24 years, gotten his trust.  I wasnt thinking.  But im going through a transition today that allows me to see the strong arm bully in my repertoire if personalities.  I had a abandoned her a long time ago  but now i have to recognize that she was always in tbe wings.  That i wasnt as helpless as i came to think.  After being a mother for a while i was always told i had a heart “this big^ i was obese and cheerful.  I was so sick there wasnt much else people could say about me.  It was obvious how hard my life was for me and peopke were forgiving.  Now that ive finally lost the weight and quit smoking the person from my childhood is coming through and she is complex and very dufferent from what i became.

So there was a fly downstairs in tbis “cottage ” who was dive bombing my head crazily.  It didnt follow me upstairs.  It reminded me of fly attacks in  California where the flies were unbelievably aggressive and i was embarassed because they buzzed ne like i was sonething dead–one day by the pool at the first apartment we rented.  Then at the end if our stay, i was laying down, 6 months pregnant, a fly landed on my stomach, i was frightened for my child.  My ex taught me that flies were evil.  I cant remember why i didnt just swoosh the fly off of me ot maybe i did.

I guess there is a certain amount if evil in life and i have to acceot that i am not above it, i did not deliberately harm my son but unwittingly when i was not watching myself i said a hurtful thing and in ny heart i knew it.  I was teasing him on something he was sensitive about, as my father teases.  When i realized it i repented immediately.  I have been sttessing over it all day and trying to make it right.  Only God can, i realize.  I police myself but i have a sinfil nature.  Jesus saves.

Was i trying to play God with him?  I was just trying to be someone he could turn to and i wanted his love.  I had rhe opportunity to turn him away from ny mother who had tricked him into turning to her, its a long story–over the matter of the car; i blogged about it here Its all i ever wanted was to  have his trust, there are so many people calling him away from me, and i thought i was trustworthy.

I had a therapist who worked with me on “the return of love” and i knew i was inexperienced in this human interaction but had some “practice” with this therapist in handling it properly but then i said abolutely the wrong thing and realized it a few minutes later and panicked.  For 24 hours i was talking to my so  for the first time in our lives and then in one misguided text from outside rhe Burger King on the way to see Sister M i had ripped up his heart.

Oh God please forgive me.

Son, im so sorry.

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