I am prompted by the Lord to extend Love to my parents, who are out of line.
I finally called my mother out on her folly She launched a frontal assault, taking me on about the unleanliness here in the cottage and what are they going to do about me when they are gone. How my sister was going to help them and my brother, because they couldnt rely on me. How they talked to their oldster friends about this. We got onto the subject of how it never works for me to come here to stay with them. I always get isolated. Since my leaving for boardfing school at 13. I was never at home with them after that. They gave my room to my little sister. Later on they bought a house that didnt even have a room for me at all.
So she started the usual age okd accusations and i couldnt stand it. “You dont go out. You have to take rhe first step.” I told her what is true, that my physical therapist refused to treat me while i was living here because they were so negative. I didnt use her exact words and i wont here either. It cut right through her BULL i am an invalid. I am physically damaged. I dont do well living them becsuse everything is handed to me on a plate and because of the history of sexusl abuse–that last thing i didnt say.
I can’t remember whether that was yesterday or the day before. Something else HUGE came up (the announcement on Friday of my last post.) But shes still playing it out and so is my father of course. He got a hint last night that he might not be winning this one. It started with his practically exposing himself to me when i went OUT OF MY WAY to cut through all this bull because i needef HELP WITH A SITUATION IN MY LIFE. Did i already write about all this? I think i may have in the post, “Baaad.” Ill have to go check.
I did check, i cant believe it, i lied for him. It was the post, “Today.” I guess it hurt too much to tell the truth. Before we went up to his study to talk he stalled and finally he said something about his “little shtick” relating it to “walk softly and carry a big stick” and then the whole time he was talking to me he was sitting there with his knees carefully spread apart, making me aware if his “little shtick.” (He has been known to brag of his SMALL penis size. If its about him, its good.) I know thus sounds improbable, fortunately i have emails sent to my ex husband about it at the time and the next day.
So its coming back to me today, it feels very threatening to me except that he is using it to set up another attack with s different thrust, no pun intended. The Lord has shown me to be aware of this. So it doesn’t really hurt.
As i said the Lord has been encouraging me lately to maintain an avenue of Love with them. Its hard when they prevail with atheism and abuse but if i can keep a certain distance–sometimes its hard–they dont really hurt me.
As i re-read this i realize that as usual my father was trying to avoid acknowledging the sexual abuse. Hes making it harder on himself down the road.