Horrible

As this Thansguving goes down, my mither us still stealing my fire from long ago.  Its horrible.  She took a beating and all along shes hears something terrible happened to her.  Meanwhile i got my tubes, my clit and my brain fried in the UCU and fell into a vegetarian stae.  My mother was encouraged to disregard me because of the beating she took snd this has gone in for 3 decades.  Slowly my body and mind have reconstituted. Someh\ow i carried in as a stand in for a mom  smoking 4 packs a day–right there that about says it.  Now ive finally quit.

i need attention to my current plight snd she needs to give over her complaint against me, its been a oing time Mom.  of my dire prefucament.  The beating was bad but it wasnt world ending or show stopping, it was my being fried by sexual torture by rhe catheter in the ICU that was these rhings and this went on and on and on, starting that 1st morning on tbe psycvh ward.  *you assaulted your mother?” the doctor asked.  What was i suppised ro say? I hsd a convulsant reaction related to coming out of spell of the overdose and my father had reported it as an assault.   He had just stood there watching.  I was terrified.  And this was the end if life as i knew it.  They assigned me to the “CRAZY” doctor–the ne who took hopeless cases.  I said  I did it becayse my farher sexually abused me.  He had asked me why i did it.  So were off and running on a four year pure bullshit relationship.

I dont know why i did it.  I was coming out of the overdose and i had experienced sexual torture and my parents got their sex lives mixed up with it.  It was a frigging sick situatuon and as a proud oarent of my own soon -to-be 25 year old son .i can volunteer that my parents should have been certified for how they behaved in this regard then and at evety juncturei of the next 33 years.  He was clearly turned on by watching her take a beating.  So i had to be kept a secret until they figured it out. And my condition, pursuant to the sexual torture in the ICU–was oozing sexuality and the incident of sexual abuse when i was 17 was on the front burner at this time.

The doctor met with my mother at some point early in my treatment by Dr. W.  (the crazy doctor) and asked her (he told me) if I had been sexually abused and she said no.  People always trust my mother.  Because she always “makes it easy” and she assures that it won’t come back to haunt them.  Immediately following saying this to me, a nurse came to me with a 5 inches long needle, a 6 week long-acting shot of Haldol, a horrible drug.  I just fall over inside when I think about this.  I had forgotten that I was on an involuntary commitment and that he DID have the power to have the guards come to hold me down for the shot, so i acquiesced, thinking that couldnt actually hold me down.  There’s a whole lot of this voluntarily in voluntarily involunary in my life surrounding the first commitment to Wernersville, where the doctor asked if I “wanted” to go there, and I didn’t say no or yes.  Also at the time of my very first signiong into a psych ward in New Jersey when I first became suicidal at age 21 I questioned my mother about the 72 hours notice and the line that said I could be held against my will.  I didn’t feel comfortable signing but I had to trust entrust myuself to my mother.  That’s where this whole nightmare started.  Because I didn’t trust my mother.  Becasue my father HAD sexually abused me.  And she was complicit in it after the fact.  In covering it up

 

What a frigging mess.  All this has held on for THIRTY THREE YEARS untik this blessed frigging night whern it cones together without kicking or screamong or terror but with calm andgentle GRACE.

I am aware of my fatgers quiet, gentle voice.  My mother still riles me.  I rhink we may have a chance.

Tired.

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