Suicide live online day 2

Actually we dont know exactly when it happened.  I am speaking of my going public here about it.  He we t mussi g over 2 weeks ago and his body was found in daylight hours there the day before Thanksgiving.

Its been a slow burn.

Thus morning at the Starbucks drivethrough the person ahesd of me paid for my coffee drink.  It was a life giving move.  I wss listening ti my Christisn radio station, it was about 10:30.  Through the radio the Lord pulled me into a moment of trsnscending grace.  Through the Lord i pulled my head out if my ass and realized that my brother is gone.  He wasnt there with me to appreciate the Starbucks dtive through difference.  I realized it as i pulled awzy.  And that Gid WAS there.  And i saw that it wasnt my son, or my mother and father, but my brother (i cant say his name) that i needed to let go of to be ready to participate in baptism which is coming up in a week and a half.  Satan has tried every evil ploy to steal it from me but the Lord has turned evety road block into a stepping stone. 

My brother didnt have to die for me to c9me to this realization but given that he did thats how Gid worked it.  It has been a watershed event fir everybody.  Hid has helped me with the mind fuck part of it.  I rhought that all possibility of happiness was gone.  I realize that yes the silly bubbles monty python benny hill love american style all thst tv trash we watched, that wzs so much fun in our little EnglAmerican world is gone.  Long hours on weekends and holidays that were supposrd to come to something and never did.  

But Christs love remains, our father fucked up by inztilling his atheism in us.  I remember the sick  Christmades thst wete used to punish my brother.  And i took secual abuse that ruined my life at age 17 –even as it wss beginning.  

So yes in Christ love and happines are still possible.

More to come as i walk this walk.

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