Problem Smoker

As i mull over rhe situation with my brother i cone upon the great tragedy of my life, which is that it was entirely lost to the  vow to smoke myself to death by the time i was 35.  I made the vow the night of the morning that my father abused me, which was New Years Eve.  And i never had any help with repenting of it.  The Lord says necer take a vow because you will be bound by it.  I didnt know it bevause i had no religious fomation.  My father fostered and coerced our ignorance.  I went to college a nuisance smoker:  i asked for non smoking roonmates because secretly i knew my smoking was a problem and i didnt know what what to do.  My stupid, non-smoking freshmen roommates didnt report it.  I realize now that this was the Lord at work. Then, i was a prisoner in my mothers oil and gas fume filled garage, because she wouldnt have my smoking in my house.  The problem-smoking had been seen at the state hospital, where i was smoking 3 packs a day and desperately didnt want to. It was during the time at my mothers i was scraping black junk out if my nostrils and woke up every morning dreaming if scraping black junk out if my throat that i was choking on.  I couldnt brush my teeth because it was painful, the toothbrush painfully syruck ny mouth, my mouth and sinuses were compromisrd. My father said, kill yourself if yiu want to, dont kill us.  Yes he said that, in words. The problem with my sinuses kicked off tbe OCD in California which indelibly marked the marriage.  I had to suck in my breath through my nostrils repeatedly and it disrupted the flow of conversation.  Thete were other elements to the OCD but thus one was basic. Then, i had the second abortion–still out in California–becausr i knew i couldnt quit smoking.  Then, when my son was born, after being almost smoke free during the ptegnancy (after the abortion i was so scared i did finally almost quit) i picked uo the smoking again in Buffalo during the last month of the pregnancy because everyone there smoked.  And then i startef up smoking a pack or more a day around my newborn.  I said to myself, i couldnt have my second baby because if tbe smoking, so this baby will have to put up with the smoking. And then i couldnt play with him because my hands were tied up with a cigarette.  It was a desperate situation.  Nobidy undetstood.  Part of it was guilt over the second abortion.  Part of it was sheer stupidity.  After 2003 i spent 4 years smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day and fortunately for my son he was able to go to a private boarding school just 25 minutes away during the week.  My ex was a person of extremes and this was reflected in both my smoking and my weight during our marriage, i weighed just ober 200 pounds at this time.  Now i have finally buckef the desperate smoking habit through 12 1/2 months on an extended acute care psychiatric ward, folliwing a bearky fatal suicide attempt, where peopke DIDNT say “we dont care uf you kill yourself just dont kill us.”  They said, we dont want you to try to kill yourself again.  We dont care if yiu hate us, we want you to get better.  We arent going to let you go tbis time until we are sure you are safe.”  Week after week i woke up in the night desperate for a cigarette and there was absolutely no way to get one.  I was able to go on therapeutic passes with my mother so i would smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes once or twice a week.  Wben i left i went to a personal care boarding home where smoking wss limited, supervisef, and outdoors.  Then i cane to my.mothets house where thete us no smoking indoors so so far, so good.  Despite a recent visit in a hotel for two night with an old, smoking friebd where i was smoking a pack a day with her, i have returned to limited smoking.  The Lord has showed me that the cure is permanent.  He has released me from the suicidal vow. Now i am crying for my son, who never had a mother’s loving hands.  They were tief up with cigarettes.  I wss desperate and i didbt know why.  I kept trying to get away and i didnt know why.  It was the smoking.  All along it was the smoking.

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