Disconnect

Now i have a new disconnect.  For 32 years its been the woman who got rhe better of me on a state hospital ward here in Pennsylvania after i landed here from tbe Boston area un 1996 when i was 24.  

Now, its tbe coming down here from Mass.

I was ib as osych ward tgere.  U had tols thevdictir ni way was i giubg ti my pare nts new home in PA.  They dudnt even have a room for me.  Not going to them had been my analyst’s clarion cry.  But i had threatened to sue him.  He didnt inderstand.  I didnt mean it.  I was just expressing myself. 

But after rhat ge put in kid gloves and wasnt rea l with me.  The doctor on the psych ward–who was his friend–oh yes yes yes im getting thus–the doctor in rbe psych ward was his friend.  Not mine.  I was wanting to go to the Boston State Hospital.  The kind of liability involved in putting the Hutton “Dove” President–who had visibly decended into the Hutton Square street life during the final spring and sumner semester of her undergraduate education–ih yes i am seeing this now.  Dr.  P WAS liable.  He dudnt take rhe medication serioysly.  I wasnt tasking it properly.  It was wreaking havoc worh my mund.  It was terrifying.  So the psych ward doctor saved his pal and everyone involved from the awkward situation i had been creating and my mother and farher happily put me in the state hospital here in PA.  Which was a creally lousy thing to do.  The doctor here “begged them,” (my mother said,) to put me in a private hospital.  They took all the credit for being a nice famuly but to them thar meant cutting me off for having a problem. They did it to ny uncle (who had water on the brain or something like that–he didnt have anything going for him.)  He dued in a stste hispita l in England.  What i learned over time is that i had a sexual injury as a child, and that’s why none of my placements have worked.  And i have to be grateful to the state hosoital here for affording me a home for a time.  Abs a place ro figure  things out–thats hiw it worked our.

Si i guess i just figured this disconnect!  I dont know if that sends me back to the problem with the woman at the state hospital.  It makes me aware that nowhere have i been safe without my mothers occasional intetvention.  What on earth an i going to do when shes gone.  Thank Gid i have come to this point of recognition in time!

Or is this exactly what i was afraid of–that i would get sucked back into her world where she us the center of everybodys universe in her own mind?

I believe i have found the answer close at hand.  If i work out the quandary of the probllem with the woman at the state hispital i may be able to work out my married life and recast my current relstuonship with my family.

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