Its about my ex-sister÷in-law. I cant name her. I just need to rip her face off, that’s all. My brother has died. The situation here.is that she is back in touch with my mother. I have guessed–my intuition and surmises tell me–that they are trying to get together and try to implicate me as the cause if his suicide. Now i wanted to look at that and they blocked ne. I had some areas where i was a little concerned that i might have been at fault. But i was not offered a chance to look at that with any candor. Certainly he did things like ditch me when he met my sister -in- law and didn’t invite me to the wedding and joked about me in front of my old New York friends and acquaintances. And i reacted badly. There was a phone call when he was here in the cottage after the divorce and i told him off about the kneeing me in the crotch when we were children. And i feel a little guilty about that. And i stepped aside when he tried to tell me about having sex all over Manhattan after the divorce. I didn’t like to hear him talk about it. There were a lot of things–going way back–that i planned somwhere in my heart to talk about with him some day. We had been so close as childten. We had to be apart as adults. I was so hurt when i was young by his girlfriends because we were so close but of course he wanted his girlfriends. But i am not afforded a place to look at any of this (except here and now.) My mother wants her “nice” Hampton dining out more than anything in the world and she wants to debacle me as she did, after i lost it over Manhattan Mark at Harvard, more than anything in the world and it suits my Dad, who was snubbed by me when i was 17 and I GLARED at him as he reached for my breasts in my bed that New Years Eve morning when i was 17. I was immature. And an EGOMANIAC! JUST LIKE HIM! I have had to learn to be better. Can you feel, reader, how painful that is?
Yes i am sexually disabled and somewhere along the way you grow up and DEAL WITH THAT and stop belly-aching about it.
And my ex-sister-in-law holds out to them the promise that they can have this, there has been disturbing lying going on over tbe past 2 years that i have been aware of; and who knows what there is that i HAVEBT been aware of; and now my mother and A- are suddenly talking again and thats ALL MY MOTHER CARES ABOUT!
So A- gets out from under the blame for the suicide and my my mother falls all over berself. “Here, take Lynne.” There was a phone call about a week or two ago. She was talking to A-. Sbe mentioned me, she mentioned my son. I was standing right there. “Noone will know,” she said, and it was very disturbing.
I now know how to put into words what sister-in-law A- saw about the situation when she met my brother that made me so angry: that i was the family scapegoat and that she could easily work the situation to get what she wanted. She was a nasty piece of work.