Justified

My brother has committed suicide. It’s been 4 1/2 months now. We cant get over it. For me, it justifies a lot of things. I was the one who was always attemping suicide. 5 tries. Then, suddenly, this. I didn’t know what to think. I finally realized that my patents were feeling desperately guilty. And that I was coming in for some of the blame.

I figured I pretty much knew why he did it. We were so close when we were kids, way too close, so we were estranged as adults, mostly over his sexuality And he didnt invite me and my ex and my son to the wedding, which was shocking. That was his wife’s wish. She edited his life according to her preference. But then I realized i didnt really know. I just know he freaked on the way down. How do I know? Because ive heard that jumpers usually do and because he has been appearing to me. It is clear that his soul is not at rest. The other night I woke up at 3 a.m. and someone was telling me to jump and I did. Then the dream stopped and I got up and I was In midair. I went downstairs to go out and smoke a cigarette outside. I forgot to take my cellphone and didn’t know the time so i went back inside in a panic without finishing my cigarette.

I stayed in bed all day the next day, which was Thursday. Now is Saturday at 11:55 p.m. That scary experience has moved things forward

Like I said I don’t know really know why he did it. I have always taken overdoses where there is a grey area. You usually wake up all f’d up. But whatever it was he was thinking, it takes the pressure off me. And i dont think I will do it again after this. Finally it’s clear that my suicide attempts wete cries for help and not just mental illness. We both suffered.

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